Confessions of a Stay at Home Lawyer

Bumper Stickers that Really Should Not Be

2010-11-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

So I was driving home this morning and I was behind an old Ford Explorer that had a bumper sticker that reads (I kid you not) "Two's Company, Three's a Fantasy." And it got me thinking - who puts that on their car? I mean seriously, is that guy so insecure about his sexual prowess that he needs to announce his threesome fantasies to the world on the back of his old beat up white SUV?
Which leads me to some other bumper-sticker-related thoughts:

We just got out of an election cycle so I guess I can forgive the political ads like "Bennet for Colorado" or "Ken Buck Senate 2010" stickers, but even the political ones have gotten a bit out of hand. Take "It's the $pending, Stupid" - a republican favorite, or "We're Findin More Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill 'Em" with the Iraqi, American and Chinese flags - an idiot favorite. And the "Deport Obama - If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention" presidential criticism style (also idiot favorites, I might add). I would just like to point out, nobody else gives a shit what your personal political views are, and all the bumper stickers in the world aren't going to sway a single person's vote. Save that $5 (or better yet, send it to help Haiti or some other charitable cause), and get your ass to the ballot box to tell us how you really feel.

While no one else on the planet gives a shit if your child is on the honor roll, I guess I can understand the proud parents who sport those "Mile High Scholar" stickers on their cars. Lame, yes, but not particularly offensive. But I don't get the "My Child Beat Up Your Honor Student" one. Hopefully the idiots that deface their own vehicles with that dribble don't actually have kids, but let's assume, for the sake of argument, that at least some of them do. What's the appropriate reaction to this news? ...uh...Congratulations?

Then there's the "I'm better than you and you're an idiot" variety that also seems to be popular -- the "Hang Up and Drive" style of condescension. My father-in-law used to have that one, and he lent us his car one summer years back. Recognizing that beggars and choosers don't go hand in hand, I made no comment at the time, but I always felt like a bit of an asshole driving that car.

Which leads me to my sage advice on the topic -- "Just Say No" to bumper stickers as a whole. They're stupid, and if you affix them to the back of your car, you probably are too!

Black Friday and Whatnot

2010-11-27T14:39:00.000-08:00

I just don't get the whole Black Friday thing. It's very bizarre. And I still can't believe that Walmart checker got trampled to death two years ago. Is there really any item sold at Walmart that's worth rioting over and stampeding the doorway? And then people kept shopping, even after they heard that a person had died. GROSS! It makes me a little sad for the state of humanity, but still we carry on the tradition.
This year Macy's opened at 4AM. Seriously? Four in the morning? I can't help wondering who the f*** goes to Macy's at 4 in the morning, but I know there were lines outside the mall, which means that there were more people than I care to count.
Which leads me to my conundrum...why am I feeling the pull of the mall this day-after-Black-Friday-afternoon? What the hell is wrong with me?
And while I didn't succeed in my Walmart Project (I think I was off blogging at the time, but for a brief while this spring and summer I was only buying things at Walmart on the premise that if they don't have it at Walmart, you probably don't need it...which is true, but as I have said to my friend Sue for years -- shopping is not about need!)
Nonetheless, I am trying not to be an over-consumer this year, but somehow every year Thanksgiving rolls around and Black Friday is right on its tail and I get swept up in all the hoopla that is the "holiday season" in America. Frankly I feel kind of good to have waited until now to get into the shopping frenzy, given that this year my local Sam's Club decided mid-October was a good time to start putting out the garland and getting set up for Christmas. Next thing you know there will be Christmas stockings lying next to the pencil cases in late July for the back-to-school-get-a-jump-on-your-holiday-shopping-frenzy.
But seriously, every year I imagine that I'll be "better," setting parameters for shopping like just getting one big gift for the kids, or just giving homemade items to friends and neighbors, but invariably I end up filling my carts with a bunch of shit to stuff into stockings or madly wrap on Christmas eve. I'm not good at this low-key Christmas thing.
My mom is really a good Christmas shopper. She will actually go to after-Christmas sales with an eye toward the next year and somehow she's able to get thoughtful, well received gifts a year in advance. When I try to emulate her by getting an early jump on shopping, I just end up buying 10 times more shit than I otherwise would have because I somehow seem to forget that I have 2 closets full of presents just waiting to be wrapped up and placed under the tree.
I think I need a holiday intervention.

Monday Morning Morals Question - Is it sometimes worse to apologize?

2010-11-22T21:42:00.000-08:00

So this post requires a little back story, which I will get to, but first allow me to reintroduce myself to the cyber-world. I know, you've all missed my rants terribly and I am sure you've been starved for my witty banter and cheeky commentary, but for at least today...I'm back!
And, I also know that it's Monday night, not morning, but the fact that I'm here on a Monday at all is, frankly, one step in the right direction -- and I went to yoga today, so that should count as another step in the right direction -- so I'm celebrating my small victories in this ongoing battle between my good intentions and inertia.
So here's the moral quandary...is it sometimes better to forgo an apology for events in the distant past and simply let things be, or should we seek out those we may have wronged and apologize for transgressions from long ago?
I have my superhero cyber-vision on and I can tell that you're all wondering - what the hell is she talking about and why would I care? So allow me to explain.
This evening Alex and I were talking as I tucked him in, and he made a comment about a kid at school who eats his boogers (yes - I, too, gagged when he mentioned it), but then he went on to say how all the kids at school were afraid of "Jace Germs" and were frantically running around shrieking "Watch out for Jace germs" and the like. (Jace is apparently the kid's name...I've never heard that name before either??) But I was taken aback by the comment, and I remembered something from when I was a kid that I am really not proud of...
There was a girl at my school named Leah. For whatever reason that I can't even remember now, she was kind of an outcast kid. She was always a bit different, and to be fair, she wasn't very nice herself, but when we were in elementary school, kids were just plain mean to her. -- 1970s throw rocks at each other politically incorrect MEAN kind of mean.
They'd call her "Leah Pee-ah Diarrhea" and run away from her on the playground shouting "SPRAY YOURSELF WITH LYSOL." There'd be comments about her mom and her intelligence and anything else you can think of. Mean, mean, mean, mean, mean!
And while I was never the instigator, (and I don't specifically remember calling her names myself), I know for sure I never stood up for her, I never said stop, nor did I even just quietly say I was sorry when no one else was looking. I didn't do anything, which as far as she was concerned, was probably just the same as me having done everything.
So I told Alex this and related it back to Jace, and then I told him that I felt bad that I had never apologized to her. I said "I don't want you to be 40 looking back at your life wishing you hadn't been mean to this kid or some other. Live your life in a way that ensures that you will never regret what you have done."
And then I told him that I was going to apologize to Leah via Facebook tomorrow, which he seemed to think was a good idea.
But after I left his room, I started thinking about it -- who is this supposed apology for? Leah? or ME? If an apology isn't going to make the wronged person more "whole" (or at least make them feel a little better), what's the point? When it comes down to it, really the only person who might feel better from an apology is ME, and how selfish is that, really?
Let's face it, even I'm not so self absorbed as to think that 25 years later, Leah is still nursing hurt feelings over what I did (or didn't) do to her on the playground in elementary school. Realistically, she probably doesn't even remember...and if she does, she's probably just as well off thinking we were just a bunch of assholes rather than letting us off the hook now. She doesn't need to be reminded of it all by me in my self-serving desire for catharsis. She probably just wants to move on -- and who could blame her, really?
So I've decided that I'm NOT going to apologize. I'm just letting bygones be bygones - water under the bridge and whatnot. And I'm not giving myself the satisfaction of feeling like I made some big magnanimous gesture to set things right from the past.
But at the same time, I'm also denying her the opportunity to know that someone (i.e. me) actually did care about how she was treated.
So it's a double-edged sword, but I'm sticking with this plan for now. Is that wrong??
PLEASE, JUDGE ME!

Reverend Terry James Saw My Post

2010-09-10T08:07:00.000-07:00

Apparently the good Reverend in Gainesville reads my blog, because he has called off his stupid Salem Witch Trials book burning set for tomorrow. I feel good knowing that my influence is being felt around the world today. Proof positive that I should keep on bloggin!

Burning the Quran ? Really? Finally found a reason to step back up on my soapbox!

2010-09-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't watched TV in the past week, a couple of really scary things are happening out there. The first is a wildfire that's burning out of control in Boulder County. As of now, 92 structures have burned, 1000 families have been evacuated, and with winds approaching 100 miles per hour, the fire is still 0% contained. Please say a prayer for the brave men and women risking their lives to save the lives of others. Update - a light rain and cooler conditions last night helped to get the fire 10% contained, but high winds and low humidity today present new problems.

But an even more dangerous thing is cooking up in Gainesville Florida, where Reverend Terry James and his congregation of 50 plan to burn the Quran on September 11 as a way to commemorate the tragedy of that day. Seriously? This is a fire that can be put out before it's even started, and I keep hoping against hope that it will be.

Religious intolerance is no new thing here in the US. Despite the fact that our earliest settlers sought refuge from religious persecution in England, even they have found a way to oppress and discriminate based on religion. Protestants waged war against Catholics in colonial Maryland, Quakers were tortured and executed in Massachusetts, Mormons were forcibly removed from Pennsylvania, and let us not forget the thousands of Native Americans who were slaughtered for their "heathen" (read: not-Christian) ways.

Travel forward in time to the mid-20th Century and you find mobs attacking Jehovah's Witnesses, the Japanese internment, and continued persecution and suspicion against Mormons and Jews.

Take another leap forward to modern day discrimination -- as of 2009, religiously motivated hate crime passed even racially motivated crimes against blacks. This is still a very real problem in the land of the free! (Racially motivated hate crime generally is still the largest category - accounting for half of all hate crime in America.)

There are striking parallels between the white supremacists and the religiously motivated Islamic Shi’a fanatics in the Middle East. Both groups transform abstract political ideologies and objectives into a religious imperative. Violence is not only sanctioned, it is divinely decreed. Hence, the killing of persons described as 'infidels' by the Shi’a or as 'children of Satan' by white supremacists becomes a sacramental act.

But I still haven't come to the danger in all of this. I think General Petraeus summed it up well when he said: "Images of the burning of a Quran would undoubtedly be used by extremists in Afghanistan — and around the world — to inflame public opinion and incite violence." We still have thousands of American troops in Afghanistan and throughout the middle east. Do we really want to make their jobs more difficult, more dangerous, and diminish their moral credibility? Does that make any sense at all?

Already we see examples of outrage, like this rally in Afghanistan where a crowd is burning a figure of Pastor Terry James wrapped in an American flag. Imagine the scene after their holy book has actually been burned.

Now don't get me wrong - I know that free speech is important and in some ways I celebrate Dumb-Ass James' right to engage in this sickening act of idiocy. But I have to ask - how does Reverend Dumb-Ass feel about images of burning crosses? Burning bibles? Burning flags? Burning constitutions?

YES - they have the RIGHT to burn the Quran, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do. It's stupid, it's irresponsible, and dangerous. But more importantly - IT'S WRONG!

Monday Morning Morals Questions - Am I a bad person if...???

2010-06-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

Holy crap - it's been TWO WEEKS since I last blogged! I missed last week's Monday Morning Morals Question entirely, and I haven't done Mama Kat's writing prompt in about a month. But I'm here today so I guess that's a start (one day in a row, as I like to say.)

So, last Monday I was in Vegas, and while I had grandiose plans to do a Special Edition Monday Morning Morals from Vegas, then I remembered that "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," so I couldn't. Actually, that's a lie. What really happened is that I was too enamored with $22 "Miami Vice" cocktails (which we went on a campaign to rename the "PinaCoLaiquiri") to be getting up and typing anything of substance at all...

But today I'm back with my newest edition -- chock-full thought provoking mind benders really designed to challenge the moral fiber of one and all...or maybe not, but I'm curious nonetheless.

Back story first...I've been playing a lot of tennis this summer. I'm terrible, but I'm improving and it's exercise, and I really like it, so...blah blah blah...I'm playing a lot tennis. Anyway, since I was new to the team this year, I was just assigned a partner. She's a bit older and better than I am, but we play pretty well together and for the most part it's fun...except this one little thing...

She kind of cheats!

It's not like she's taking human growth hormones or releasing killer bees on our opponents or anything. It's just that every now and again (a couple of times a match), she calls a ball out when it's on the line...and that's cheating.

And now for the moral rub...if the ball's on her side of the court, it's really her call to make. I don't want to second guess her and I am sure that there have been times when the ball is actually out and I just can't tell from my perspective...but there have definitely been times when it's been IN too, and those are the times that count -- and I haven't stood up to her to say "no, that was in."

So, am I a bad person if just stand by and let my partner call things out that are in?

PLEASE, JUDGE ME!

To be fair, this hasn't happened in a game-defining moment, and I like to think that I would over-rule the call if it did...but it's hard to say, maybe that's just wishful thinking and I'd be as big a wimp then as I have been so far!

Monday Morning Morals Questions - Do key parties and swinging shock the conscience of anyone other than me???

2010-06-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

John Cuneo, Esquire Magazine

Apparently the 60s have made their way back to Denver with a vengeance, because I keep hearing that key parties and swinging are all the rage...and let me tell you, I am SHOCKED!!!

Here's how Wikipedia (my go-to source on all topics) defines swinging:

Swinging or partner swapping (sometimes referred to as the swinging lifestyle or simply the lifestyle) is a non-monogamous behavior, in which partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other people. As a subculture, the swinging couple regard their sexual activities with other people as a social activity in which they engage as a couple.

Let's ignore the unneeded comma after behavior and get to the point - people are having parties where they go hoping, expecting, knowing that they and their spouses will be having sex with someone else -- AT THE PARTY! Ick!!

And this is just fine? This is normal? What. The. F*%$????

I always thought I lived in this real "Leave It to Beaver" kind of subdivision with white picket fences and neighbors who bake cookies for the new baby next door (which happens all the time and leads to over crowded neighborhood schools and tennis courts on the streets, but that's a different story.)

Let me show you some examples:

I don't know who lives here, but they have a cute red door and the white picket fence I was talking about.

This is my friend Melissa's house. It's for sale...this progressive new Denver lifestyle/culture was more than she could take!

Do these look like the kinds of places where spouses are playing sex games which include some people who live there and others who don't?

What would June Cleaver say?

I know what she'd say. She'd say: What. The. F*$%...just like me! What do you say?

PLEASE, JUDGE ME!

On Being Alone

2010-06-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

WARNING...this post might actually have insight into me...should I even be writing this?

So, I'm 40 years old and I'm just getting comfortable being alone. I've never lived alone. I've never traveled alone. Since my kids have been born, I don't think I have spent more than a single night by myself at my house. I can't even think of a time that I've even seen a movie by myself.
I don't do "alone time."
I guess I just don't really know how to be by myself.
For as long as I can remember, the first thing I ever do when I'm alone is pick up the phone. At least that way if I'm technically alone, it kind of feels like I'm sharing it with someone else.
For whatever reason, the idea of being alone immediately brings to mind visions of isolation. It's scary and I don't like it.
It's lonely.

From an intellectual perspective I understand the mental benefit associated with having time to oneself. I imagine people enjoy the opportunity for peace and solitude. For whatever reason, though, I don't find peace and solitude in the company of only me.
I'm trying to figure out what this says about me. Unfortunately the conclusion I arrive at generally says that I just don't like myself enough to be happy with my own company. But that doesn't seem right, because the truth is I'm pretty satisfied with the person I've become. I am generally pretty self confident and self reliant. I have come to accept my flaws as part of the overall package of me, and I'm mostly okay with that whole package.
So why do I still feel so anxious about being on my own?
Anyway, Paul and the boys are off for 2 days of Cub Scout Camp, so I'm here to fend for myself. That's not an invitation, Brad Pitt, but if you happen to be in the neighborhood...
Seriously, I'm using this as an opportunity to explore the idea of "alone time" in terms other than "lonely time." I've got nothing special planned, but I will try to stretch my comfort zone. Maybe I'll head out to Starbucks for an "I have no one else to cater to but me" latte. Maybe I'll even hit an afternoon movie all by myself.
Well, I'm not going to get crazy or anything...but I am going to try to enjoy the peace and solitude.
Wish me luck!

The Psychology of Toe Nail Polish

2010-06-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone who's ever walked into a nail salon knows that there are literally HUNDREDS of different colors to choose from for your toes. There are reds, pinks, purples, browns, pearls, blues, whites, and blacks. Within every group there's at least a dozen subcategories marking very subtle distinctions in mood. Like the distinction between "We'll Always Have Paris"

and "Midnight in Moscow"

Seriously, go to www.opi.com and "try on" the different colors...I swear there are several shades whose differences are not visible to the naked eye.

Anyway, there is a point here...and the point is this...

Ladies, the color you choose for your toes says a lot about you as a person...so be sure that the message you are sending is the one you want to send!

There are women who always choose the pinks or corals. Hot pink, fuchsia, lavender, rose, cherry. Every single one of these says: "COME TALK TO ME! I'M FUN!"

You might catch one of the gals going a little naughty with something like "I Don't Do Dishes,"

or more demure with "Soiree Mauve."

But you'll never see them them trampin around with Lindsay Lohen in Vendetta by Chanel!

But don't worry Chatty Cathys - Essie's catering you with their summer line which boasts colors like "Knockout Pout" and "Haute as Hello." These "flirty" colors say "Yes I can be this cute and listen to you at the same time!"

To me they say: "Go away - you're too chipper!"

Perhaps to distinguish themselves from the sorority girls over at Essie, or perhaps because they're sellouts and don't care about making beautiful products anymore, OPI has come out with it's own summer line...the Shrek Collection. (Huh?) This line sports names like "What's with the Cattitude" and "Rumple's Wiggin."

But let me be clear here - if you're an adult wearing one of those greens, you need to understand that the message you're sending to the world is "I don't care that it looks like someone just puked all over my feet."

For me, I always choose the dark brown-red groupings...My go-to shades are Suzi Says Da!

and Lincoln Park After Dark

Yes - even in the summer!

And what do my toes say about me? They say: "I don't like people." It's not that I actually don't like people, I just don't want people thinking they can come up to me and start talking about their mother's gallstones and whatnot. Save those conversations for Bridget with her "tell me about your cousin's daughter's wedding" toes!

These aren't Bridget's real toes...I used a toe-double, She's married so she wears her ring on the left foot.

Then there's Zoya. They use girls' names for their polish. And let me tell you something, they got it all wrong with this one! This is the color they call "Lo":

In Zoya-land I think I'm changing my name to Sam:

or Nina:

because Lo just doesn't suit me at all!

What do your toes say about you???

Tipper & Al Call It Quits

2010-06-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

After 40 years? Really?

Al Gore's Norman Rockwell childhood apparently didn't prepare him for a real life, family, or wife. He and Tipper are Splitzville after 40 years of marriage, 2 failed presidential bids, a Nobel Peace Prize, four kids and an Oscar.

Al at 3 with sister Nancy & mom and dad.

Although the tabloids speculate an affair by one or both of them, "close confidantes" of the couple (and their publicity folks) assure us that there were no "third parties" involved. Let's face it, no one really thinks Tipper's having an affair. She wrote a book called Raising PG Kids in an X-rated Society - she's not going around cheating on her husband...They have to put that in to appear unbiased. It's all a ruse.
Anyway, there's no evidence that Tipper's a stripper (perhaps that was the problem???)
No Youtube videos of Al with the housekeeper floating around.
They aren't having money problems...well, at least it wouldn't seem so, as they just bought an $8.8Million house in Montecito California (other celebrity residents: Oprah, Ellen, Rob Lowe, Michael Douglas, Jonathan Winters...ok, he's a stretch on the "celebrity" thing, but you get my point).
She seems just as happy to give up the gas guzzler for the free Prius.
He's got his Hollywood folks; she's got her photography. *It's actually really good. Check out her portfolio if you doubt me.
So what was the problem?

We all know that Al invented the internet and that they were the inspiration for Erich Segal's Love Story. Well, that's what he told us so it has to be true, right? I mean, the guy won a Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the reunification of the ozone or something so we know he doesn't lie.

What ever happened to Joined at the Heart???

They obviously had passion...

Tell me that kiss doesn't say Endless Love?

Yet just when we thought the stiff Washington duo had lightened up and gotten cool...

Al's rocking his bleached-denim mom jeans to perfection, and Tipper shows that a white Playtex 24 Hour bra goes great with just about anything.

They had to go and mess it up.

I think she's just too high maintenance. By her own admission Tipper says that Al's "very much a gentleman you know, with me around the house. I know he's dog tired and he could be sitting down and doing something, and I need something across the room, he'll get up and get it."
If you've got something that good, do you ever let it go?

Monday Morning Morals Questions - Am I a bad person if...???

2010-05-31T07:04:00.000-07:00

Hello again - and I hope you all are doing something special and remembering our fallen heroes on this Memorial Day.
I've been on a week-long hiatus. I wish I could say that I was doing something fabulous like scaling the Great Wall

or looking for aliens at Machu Picchu with Shirley Maclaine.

But instead I was just here, helping Alex get through what has become known as The Worst Last Week of School EVER!

This post will give you a snapshot of what I'm talking about.

Last Sunday, Zach had a "promotion celebration" for the Cub Scouts. He was moving up the ranks from Wolf Scout to Bear Scout. We were very proud...that's a different story. Anyway, the event was a big family picnic with all the siblings and whatnot. We all had a good time...or so I thought.
At one point, Alex was climbing a tree and wanted me to watch. I watched and clapped and said all the mom-stuff ("that's so great honey" blah blah blah). Anyway, he came over to me to talk for a few minutes, and in the meanwhile 3 kids who are notorious bullies from his school climbed the tree.
After a minute or two Alex decided he wanted to climb up again, and as he did, the three bullies started throwing wood chips and pine cones and other non-deadly yet still annoying objects at him, telling him to get down.
Alex, to his credit, was annoyed but not dissuaded, and told the kids it wasn't their tree and he could climb it if he wanted. (Yeah Alex, I'm so proud of you for standing your ground!)
But then, the youngest of the three said "Here comes Hitler! Go to hell, Hitler!" The other 2 joined in calling him Hitler and telling him that he deserved to go to hell. Within a minute or two he'd had enough and climbed back down. He came over to me, and told me that the tree was "too crowded." I had noticed the bullies so I rolled my eyes in understanding that they were the reason, but didn't ask any more questions at that time.
Fast forward an hour or so and Alex is now holding back tears trying to pretend that he's fine. Of course, momstinct kicked in, so I pressed him for what was wrong and he eventually told me about the Hitler comments and the "you deserve to go to hell."
Well, I had had it with these kids. Throughout the school year they had been harassing and teasing Alex, and throughout the year I told him that they were idiots, it was them not him, and not to listen to them. But this time, I got really mad. I composed a snippy but to the point message...well, here - I'll just show you what I said:
Dear [names omitted to protect the guilty]:
This afternoon at the Cub Scout meeting your kids [once again, names omitted to protect the guilty]were harassing Alex, and ultimately told him that he is "Hitler and should go to hell."
I know that 10 year old boys can be stupid and rude and I suppose I should chalk their behavior up to ignorance and bad manners. Generally, I ignore these kinds of comments and tell Alex to do the same, but seriously, this has gone too far. This type of verbal abuse at the tongues of your children has plagued him this entire year, and I will tell you that I will no longer tolerate this rude, antisocial and cruel behavior. I suggest that you tell your boys to absolutely NEVER talk to my son (or ANYONE for that matter) like that again. Frankly, I'd be just as happy if they were to never even speak to him again at all. But I can assure you, if you do not take care of this in your own homes and this type of harassment continues, I will be forced to take further measures.
I know for certain that this is not the first time that you are being made aware of your sons' bullying or inappropriate behavior. Obviously you have not taken it seriously in the past. I suggest that you do not make that same mistake again, at least with respect to their behavior toward my children, as I have no intention of just letting this slide by unnoticed.
Sincerely,
Lorraine
And within minutes, this is the (VERBATIM and unedited) response that I received from the father of one of the bullies:
Dear lorraine, lighten up, will ya? If u can't lighten up and take a mature attitude towards these types of problems yourself, then I suggest u stick it in your ear. Sincerely,
I'd like to say that I left his name off intentionally, but it was just signed "Sincerely," without more. I have an immediate problem with anyone who writes "u" instead of "you," but that was overshadowed almost instantaneously by the "mature attitude" of the "stick it in your ear."
Anyway, I think it goes without saying that i was really pissed at this point, and I admit that my actions were in large part guided by anger, but my next move really brought in the big guns. I forwarded the entire email chain to Alex and Bully #1's teacher, as well as the principal of the school accompanied by this note:
Dear [Teacher] and [Principal],
Below please find correspondence related to an incident that occurred outside of school between Alex and [Bully #1]. Of course I don't expect any kind of intervention for this particular incident, but I wanted you to be aware that the bullying problem at [school] is very real, and obviously is not sufficiently dealt with in the homes of the bullies themselves, so probably needs to be addressed more seriously in the classroom.
Sincerely,
[me]

So my question is this, am I a bad person for forwarding that along to the school? Please consider the fact that the only reason that I did so was because I was angry at the obnoxious response I received from the dad of Bully #1. Does this affect your answer in any way?
And a secondary moral quandary...the parents of Bullies 2&3 (brothers) are firm believers in this "let kids resolve their own disputes" kind of parenting. They don't believe in imposing punishment of any sort because the "natural consequences of their actions" will teach them how to behave. They don't "make" their kids apologize for things because they feel that when the kids realize the effect of their actions, an apology will necessarily follow in an attempt to make reparations.

So, am I a bad person for deeming them the laziest, most naive parents ever, too?

PLEASE, JUDGE ME!

Monday Morning Morals Questions - Am I a bad person if...???

2010-05-24T05:35:00.000-07:00

Today's Moral Hypo:

You're driving the down the street and notice that a neighbor has a big pile of stuff out on the curb with a sign marked "ARC." You know this means the items are for pick-up by the local charity organization because you've gotten about 60 calls at dinner asking for "household items and gently used clothing" yourself.

Which reminds me of a very important fact that has nothing to do with my hypo:

Recently Paul answered one of these calls and asked why they call so much and the guy told him that if you answer and say NO you're out of the call loop until the next month. If they don't get a live person, they keep calling back.

I know -- I saw a chicken -- so let's get back to it:

As you go by, you notice a lamp that would look great on the nightstand in your guest room. The lamp doesn't have an ARC sign on it specifically, but it's with all the other stuff, so you know this is intended as a donation item.

Do you take the lamp?

MY VIEW - This is a tough one. It kind of feels like stealing from a charitable organization, which somehow seems even more wrong that just stealing from a regular person. But at the same time, it's also kind of like your neighbor has abandoned the item, which would make it fair game. If the lamp was in the back next to the trash, for example, I'd have no hesitation whatsoever. It's equivalent to what Lori calls "Curbys" (code for junk placed on a curb with a "free" sign) and is yours for the taking - there are court cases that say so and everything! But here, not quite the same thing.

This time I'm erring on the side of - if it doesn't really feel right it's probably not right - so I don't think I'd take it. The absolute best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to ring the doorbell and ask the owner if you could have/buy it from him. Can't really see myself doing that, so I think I drive on. But to be fair, I don't know! Sad as it sounds, it might depend on how much I like the lamp. (That's pathetic, I know!)
For me, the fact that the lamp itself doesn't have a sign taped on it is irrelevant, but I imagine that might be an important factor for some.

So, am I a bad person if I take the lamp???

PLEASE, JUDGE ME!

Warning - I'm on my Soapbox Again!

2010-05-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

So, I realize that much of my blog is me ranting and raving about some news item that I find ridiculous or offensive or otherwise irritating. And so, today will be...NO DIFFERENT!

On Friday, the Texas State Board of Education adopted a new (and dare I say improved?) social studies curriculum that makes some amazingly idiotic alterations to the current scope of learning relative to American history, the ideological and philosophical influences on the founding fathers, and the characterization of our country as a "democracy." (Oooohhh, democracy - that's a bad word, isn't it???)

Apparently, Texas lawmakers have long been concerned with this whole "separation of church and state" thing the Supreme Court seems so committed to. Back in March they decided to remove Thomas Jefferson's writings from a critical thinking exercise that asked students to evaluate the influence of Enlightenment thinkers on political revolutions from 1750-present because, according to Cynthia Dunbar of the Texas Board of Ed, there were other Christian thinkers (like John Calvin and Thomas Aquinas) who were also influential, and the critical thinking exercise downplayed their importance. And don't forget, she adds, the founding fathers were totally influenced by "biblical law" too. I mean, just because practically all of those people at the Constitutional Conventions were agnostic at best doesn't mean anything. The Constitution says we were "endowed by our Creator" and it's capitalized and everything. They meant the Christian god and not some Allah or whatever. Jefferson's desire to keep religion out of politics is inherently offensive and we need to do something about it. If we could get around that whole troubling fact of his presidency in 1800 we would! So of course, Jefferson's out - Calvin's in.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!! No - Texas educators want to be sure that students understand that this "separation" thing, doesn't exist anywhere in the Constitution. Liberal judges on the Supreme Court made it up! The only thing the First Amendment requires is that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." It doesn't say that we can't make kids swear on the bible or have an afternoon prayer or genuflect to the righteous Lord. That's just a bunch of left-wing garbage.

Then there's this whole business about slavery. Do we really have to keep flogging ourselves for something that happened like, 150 years ago? I mean, let's just call it the "Atlantic Triangular Trade" and be done with it all ready! And don't even get me started about Civil Rights. Seriously, time to move on, people!

Of course, I'm getting all sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek about this, and you might wonder why I even care, given that I'm in Colorado and my children will never attend school in Texas. But there's so much more at stake here. First, with Texas' large population base, textbook manufacturers will obviously be taking these changes into effect when publishing their books. Do I really want my kids learning from a text book in which Joseph McCarthy is just another senator and President Obama is continually referred to as "Barack Hussein Obama?" NO! Do I really want my kids to skim over the harsh reality of slavery or the Japanese Internment of the 1940s? Do I really want my kids to be shielded from the mistakes we've made as a nation under some false notion of patriotism? NO NO NO!

Yes, my kids are patriots. Ours is the greatest nation in the world and they live in a household that emphasizes the importance of being good citizens. We read the Declaration of Independence from start to finish (including the whole long train of abuses) every 4th of July. We read a great speech on President's Day (last year was the Gettysburg Address, this year we did Washington's First Inaugural Address). We talk about our fallen heroes on Memorial Day and Veteran's Day. But we also talk about the Vietnam War. We read a speech of Martin Luther King's on MLK Day. They know about slavery and Jim Crow Laws and the Civil Rights Movement. And my hope is that they will learn from our past mistakes and take a better course in the future.

In defense of the changes, Jonathan Saenz of the Liberty Institute (a VERY conservative non-profit dedicated to "protecting freedoms and strengthening families" - huh?) says: "Most of the complaints are coming from a liberal fringe. They're making a huge issue out of some very small changes. The people of Texas are simply trying to stop atheists and the extreme civil liberties lobby from taking over their history."

You know what, Texas? You can have your history! I'll keep teaching my kids the TRUTH!

I DEMAND THE TRUTH, NICK. JR.!!!!

2010-05-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

Please be advised that much of the below is written in my special sarcasm font!!

I don't know if you have seen this, but there's a big media frenzy around the immigration status of Nick Jr.'s Dora the Explorer. She's that cute little Hispanic girl who vamanos-es around the jungle with her friend Boots the Monkey teaching good morals, polite behavior, and a little bit of Spanish.

OH, but how did she get here to teach these nefarious lessons to our impressionable young citizens, you ask?

That, my friends, is a very important question.  One that any law abiding citizen should be very curious about.  One that we righteous Americas must DEMAND an answer to, because, lord knows, our children have the right to know that their favorite cartoon characters are who they say they are.  If Dora is out there purporting to be a role model under false pretenses - all the while having jumped the fence and swam the river without a valid visa for entry, well that is JUST WRONG! 

And Nick Jr.'s "official response" to this ever important query?  No. Freakin. Comment.

The American people deserve an answer, Nick Jr.  You can't expect us to be satisfied with this ambiguous, unclear status.  At this point, that NO COMMENT can only be read to mean that she's an "illegal" and that means that Dora is out there taking jobs from American citizen cartoon characters who could just as easily teach morality and jump around being cute with a monkey friend.

I say we boycott!  Until Nick Jr. comes forward with a valid birth certificate of green card or something, I think we definitely need to boycott.  We can have a big censorship party and make sure all those Dora books and games and toys and especially the shows themselves disappear off the shelves and the airways.

Nick Jr. - you should be ashamed of yourself!

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop - My happy ending

2010-05-20T06:27:00.000-07:00

Prompt 5 - “You know a happy ending isn’t really the end. It’s just the place where you choose to stop telling the story. Why not make everything work out when you have the chance?” Where would you could you place your happy ending? (inspired by The Myth Of You And Me pg. 137)

Happy endings -- where everything wraps up nicely and fits into one big box with a pink bow on top; where the villains go to jail and the angst-ridden protagonist finally ends up with Mr. ~~Big~~ Right to live happily ever after; where the star-crossed lovers whose timing is always off by about 3 days until one thunderous, hailing, pouring night he sees her (while walking without an umbrella - completely drenched yet handsome all the same) through the window in the diner across the way - looking forlornly into her coffee and not eating her blueberry pie, so he races across the street and directly into her arms; where the troubled child who has blamed his parents for all his woes gets out of rehab and wipes the slate clean with one big sweeping apology for "everything" -- Happy endings? Those don't happen outside. Those are indoor games reserved for movie theaters and television sets with scripted lines and fake pie that looks too good to eat because it actually is, well, not too good, just inedible.

In real life, there's always something to stand in the way of perfection, which for many of us means to stand in the way of our "happy ending." Maybe it's those last 5 pounds; maybe it's the test you didn't study for; maybe it's the credit card debt, or a sick parent or an unforgiving boss or an absent spouse or an unhappy child. The list could go on and on - there's never any shortage of things to worry about or reasons to be down. Most of us don't see the present in terms of moments but more of a long flowing continuum toward and inevitable end. And this, I am afraid, can cause even the most optimistic soul to fall down.

So right now, I'm just thinking about thinking about individual moments. Ones that make me smile just remembering them. Ones that make me tear up and feel overwhelmingly loved. Ones where happiness was something you could touch, and smell, and taste. There are some obvious one - like the births of my children and lighting the candle during my wedding ceremony. And then there are some less obvious ones, too - like finding $300 on the sidewalk in Golden and going to the Rocky Flats Lounge to have a beer with Paul and the toothless barkeep, watching Zach eat crocodile skewers in Australia last year, or finding out that I had passed the California Bar Exam after computer glitches that made it seem as if I'd failed. I suppose any of those moments could be my happy ending, and yet I know what happened afterward, so it's hard to stop telling the story there.

And somehow, reminiscing about the best moments brings to mind some not-great-ones too. Times that I struggled, felt worthless, and couldn't find joy in any of the less-obvious-moments that surely occurred even then too. Because I realize, as I write, that these moments happen all the time! Every day or week or month there is something that happens that reminds us of our humanity, reminds us that we are unique, reminds us that we are important and needed and perfect. We just don't listen!

So for my happy ending, I choose right now. That's not to say that everything is perfect - it's not! I still have those ~~last~~ first 5 pounds to lose (and then the rest of it too), I should probably get a job, my son hates the 4th grade and I just turned 40. So NO, everything is not perfect. But I'm happy, and maybe even more importantly, I'm content. My house may not be in perfect order, but my children know they're loved. My tennis game could certainly improve, but my friends know I care. And underneath it all, I just know it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to -- and I know that I am supposed to live happily ever after.

Thanks Mama Kat - turns out I needed this prompt for more than just another post!

Those trendsetters in Europe are at it again!

2010-05-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

Members of the European Union exercising their fundamental right to lie around in the Riviera!

Last month the European Union declared the "right" to vacation as a fundamental right. I'm here to ask when we're going to catch up to those genius lawmakers in Europe and start paying for me to hit the beach?

Actually, what Antonio Tajani (EU Commissioner for Industry) said was this:
"Traveling for tourism today is a right. The way we spend our holidays is a formidable indicator of our quality of life." He went on to say that this right is so compelling that the EU should subsidize it for the young, old, and poor. In the end, it was agreed that the EU would pay for approximately 30% of the cost associated with international travel to encourage "cultural exchange" and "understanding." And, of course, to ensure that everyone is able to assert his fundamental right to have a vacation in the South of France!

For those of you who didn't spend a long year suffering through Constitutional Law with Professor Collins, "fundamental rights" are those rights derived by natural law (like life, liberty and property, if you asked John Locke) and afforded the highest level of protection from the Supreme Court. Some examples are the freedoms of speech, the press and religion; the right to have children (or not have children); the right to a fair and impartial jury; and the right to interstate travel. Does this mean I can make Congress pay for a trip to Hawaii for me? I have a right to interstate travel, and I live in Colorado...that's interstate travel...oh, shoot, that's not what they mean, is it???

Europeans have always been trend-setters in both fashion and human rights -- except Switzerland - did you know women didn't get the right to vote in Switzerland until 1971??? Just learned that. And they really don't know how to dress either.

Now that's what I call style!

But elsewhere in Europe, they really do know what's hot.

He's still very big in Europe, from what I understand!

Seriously, those English folks were demanding habeas corpus and due process way back at the Magna Carta in 1215. Plus, slavery really wasn't seen much in Western Europe after the middle ages (ok, ok, they were all in on the slave trade to the Americas and were fine with making money off it, but they didn't actually have slaves themselves in their European homelands -- I'm not sayin' there wasn't some hypocrisy!) But this whole right to be a tourist thing is just taking it a little too far...I'm thinking there's such a thing as too much of a good thing!

My guess is that this whole nonsense started back in 1948 when the world community adopted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. I'm not here to dis the UDHR, it's a great document, inspirational, aspirational, blah blah blah blah...but really, Article 25 guarantees a "right to rest and leisure." I'm wondering, how do they protect that right for mothers of multiples? Oh - I know, they combine it with Article 13's "freedom of movement" and then come up with this beautiful new right...

And they say we're the nation of entitlement? How's that for the pot calling the kettle black??

I don't know where this is, but I'm sure if members of Congress pool their frequent flier miles together they could send me there to find out!

Hot Chick-a-Latte...it gets better and better!

2010-05-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

I swung by Hot Chick this morning and finally tried the Morning Wood. It's White Coffee* with some Ghiradelli's White Chocolate mixed in and milk. I got 2% but I think the default is whole milk. I finally met Troy (owner) and he recommended it iced, so despite the gloomy gray-skies and threats of rain, I went cold. It was a good choice, I think.
So I'm pleased to report that it was really good! It doesn't really taste (or look) like coffee at all. It tastes more like a milkshake and basically looks like milk on ice. It's very sweet, so for me I would say go with a small (i.e. B Cup), and I probably would get it later in the day as a kind of treat or something. It's different than any coffee drink I have ever had before - I really enjoyed it! It won't replace my regular non-fat latte order, but I can see having it again from time to time.
In addition to Troy, I also met Andra, the publicity chick, and another barista whose I think is named Melissa but now I'm feeling like a jerk because I can't remember and I should have written it down. In any event, just like Troy, they were both super sweet and told me a whole bunch about the process, etc. They seemed to be having a good time at work, and were familiar with my blog, which everyone knows makes me very happy!
Once again, thanks Hot Chicks...you guys are great!
BTW - Troy's trying to get that painting done, but damn Denver spring weather is not cooperating, so there's still a ways to go. I imagine sometime in July they ought to be able to get it finished!

*White coffee is slightly roasted beans (rather than fully roasted/black beans). The color of the coffee itself is a little weird - it's kind of whitish-greenish. I guess the roasting process dilutes the caffeine content by 1/2, so white coffee has twice the caffeine of a regular blend. I tasted the shot alone, and I have to say I didn't care for it without the milk and white chocolate mix-ins. It kind of reminded me of echinacea or some kind of herbal remedy my dad would put into tea by the dropperful. I won't get a shot again, but the drink as prepared is good.

Monday Morning Morals Questions - Am I a bad person if...???

2010-05-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the thinking and the doing don't always coincide!

This morning I woke up with this great idea for a new series for my blog...a sort of "Where does your moral compass point on this one?" inquiry based on real life situations. Here's today's quandry:

Yesterday a neighbor took my kids to see Iron Man II. I sent them with a small backpack holding: $20, 2 "Loyalty Cups" ($1 refill cups good for the whole year at our local theater), as well as small bags of Cracker Jacks for all the kids. I would have swung by Walgreens for some movie sized candy (Dots and Jr. Mints are family movie favorites), but there wasn't time. Anyway, when they got home, here's what transpired:

Me: How was the movie?
Alex: Awesome!
Me: Did you get a drink or anything?
Alex: No, we got there a little late and had to rush to our seats.
Me: Well, I guess it's good you had those Cracker Jacks!
Alex: No, you're not allowed to bring them in so we had them after.
Me: Oh?
Alex: Yeah, [neighbor] said you're not allowed to bring any outside food in so we couldn't bring them. It's a rule, mom!
Me: Hmmmm....OK.

So, sure, I know the rule. I just don't follow it! I also know that a movie theater's biggest profit margin is on the sale of concessions...I guess I just really don't care! I can't see spending $4 for a $1 box of candy. I do buy the $5 loyalty cups at the beginning of the year and get the $1 refills all year long, because somehow that seems a lot more reasonable to me...but here's the question:

Am I a bad person if I break the rule about bring "outside food" into a movie? Will my children grow up with a broken moral compass? Am I kidding myself to think that somehow these kinds of rules are silly and it's OK to model rule-breaking behavior to my kids?

PLEASE...JUDGE ME!

****Just for the record, I am a strong advocate of Civil Disobedience as a political tool to make change to unjust laws, but my Monday Morning Morals Questions will not be addressing these types of issues. I'm going to focus on more important things like "Can I bring candy into a movie?"

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop - I think I'm allergic to Chowder!

2010-05-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

This entry is inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompt: 1.) Describe a popular kids toy or show that you just don’t understand. I have chosen Cartoon Network's Chowder...I don't get it!

For all you moms who have graduated from the Disney Channel and moved on to Cartoon Network, I think you know what I'm talking about. CHOWDER MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM!!!

Aaarrrggghhhhh! Turn that s*** off!!!

This is quite simply the most irritating show ever to grace the airways. In case you haven't seen it, the show stars "Chowder," a cat/bear/rabbit hybrid that goes around making annoying noises and repeating the same things over and over and over again...It's horrible!

I'll start by saying this is a French-Canadian show created by C.H. Greenblatt, one of the storyboard artists from Sponge Bob Square Pants. Really that ought to be enough said, but I'll go on. The characters live in Marzipan City and they all have ethnic-food-inspired names like Gazpacho, Mung Daal, Schnitzel, and Panini. Theoretically it sounds kind of cute, doesn't it? I mean, maybe it will inspire your kids to actually try Gorganzola on a cheese plate since there's a character named that on Chowder, right? WRONG! Instead they'll look at it, plug their noses and run around the kitchen table screaming "stinky cheese" in a Chowder-inspired screech. Charming, really!

Schnitzel, Mung Daal, Chowder, Truffles

And then, you can't help but gawk at the TV trying to figure out what the hell these characters are supposed to be. You'll find yourself wondering which psychotropic drugs were used to inspire the mushroom-headed Truffles and the "rock monster" Schnitzel. And then you'll think -- it it appropriate to have your school-aged children watching this at all? All the while, you've wasted an hour and given yourself a 3-Aleve headache to boot.

But don't think the worst has past...Flapjack will be up next, and I'm afraid that might even be worse! Cartoon Network, I don't get you!

More News from the Great State of Arizona

2010-05-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy to report that Arizona governor Jan Brewer is moving forward with the good work of marginalizing, discriminating, intolerance and xenophobia. She's really making God proud. Just ask her and she'll tell you: "I firmly believe that God has placed me in this powerful position of Arizona’s governor to help guide our state through the difficulties that we are currently facing.”
Like, for example, the difficulty that we are facing due to ethnic studies being taught in school?

OH - I HAVE A GOOD IDEA, LET'S BAN IT!

And that's just what she did yesterday when she signed HB 2281 into law. Here's what this glorious piece of legislation says:

15-111 Declaration of Policy
The legislature finds and declares that public school pupils should be taught to treat and value each as individuals and not based on ethnic background.

15-112 Prohibited Courses and Classes; Enforcement
     A. A school district or charter school in this state shall not include in its program of instruction any courses or classes that either:
     1. Are designed primarily for pupils of a particular ethnic group
     2. Advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals.
     B. If the Superintendent of Public Instruction determines that a school district or charter school is in violation of Subsection A, the Superintendent of Public Instruction shall notify the school district or charter school that it is in violation of Subsection A. ... [blah blah blah...failure to stop teaching these courses may result in withholding of state funds...blah blah blah]

The law was proposed by the Ministry of Magic...I mean, Arizona "Superintendent of Public Instruction," Tom Horne. But can't you just hear Dolores Jane Umbridge reading it to the students at Hogwarts?

You remember Dolores, right? She's the one who took over when Dumbledore was ousted -- she had all kinds of lame rules like don't practice magic in the school of wizardry. Here's one of her great lines regarding education:

Umbridge: The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of a vital importance. Although each headmaster has brought something new to this... historic school, progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged. Let us preserve what must be preserved, perfect what can be perfected and prune practices that ought to be... prohibited!"

Oh yes Arizona - we wouldn't want to see progress, now would we? Progress should certainly be prohibited!

The law was specifically designed to target Tucson public schools' Chicano and Mexican American Studies program. The textbook for this class is called "Occupied America: A History of Chicanos." This book is really offensive to white Americans because we're being portrayed as "Occupiers."

Maybe we can organize a good old fashioned book bonfire (ala Nazi Germany) too!

I wonder what they're going to do about that troubling history related to Native Americans? We probably ought to just get rid of all that negativity too, don't ya think? Oh, but wait, the law specifically exempts classes for "Native American pupils that are required to comply with federal law." Those damn feds are going to MAKE them continue to teach Native American studies?? Seriously, whatever happened to states' rights?

Caution - children learning!

For now, we'll just have to be satisfied with the rounding up and dumbing down Arizona. I'm sure these laws will make their way across the country soon enough - lord knows idiocy spreads like wildfire!

40...It's the New 40!

2010-05-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Every time I turn around someone is telling me that something is the new something else. Teal's the new black, Zumba's the new aerobics, Rachel Ray's the new Martha, and some older age is always the new younger age (30 is the new 20, 50 is the new 40), whatever.
With my 40th birthday just come and gone, everyone was saying "40's the new 30" and I just have to ask -- is that supposed to make me feel better? What the hell does that really mean, anyway? From my perspective, this just proves that expectations for my generation are about 10 years slower than they were for my parents. If 70 is the new 50, does this mean that we'll have to continue working until we're 90 before we're able to retire? Maybe 30's the new 20 because it takes a lot of students 7+ years to graduate from college, so that's when people are getting their first jobs. How is this a good thing? I'm sorry, I just don't find that very reassuring at all!
So, I'm launching a campaign to take 40 back and re-seat it in it's rightful chronological place at the beginning of middle-age. 40 is the time when our children start to become more independent, and our friendships get back to being our friendships (rather than those based exclusively on our kids' school placement), and our views become a bit more conservative or reserved. Of course, it's also the time when our bodies start to resist change (i.e. don't show results as quickly as they used to), our eyes begin to fail us (reading glasses will be appearing around the necks of our friends more and more regularly), and we slow down just a little bit. I'm here to embrace that -- all of it! And so, regardless of the next great surgical invention that will keep us young forever, I'm here to tell you - 40 is still 40...and I'm okay with that.
Hope you all had a great Mother's Day...I'm going to grab a Snuggie and curl up on the couch for a nice late-morning nap.

The "Colorado Connection"

2010-05-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

I have a theory -- well, actually I have a lot of theories, but this is just one of them -- anyway, my theory is that whenever there's some crazy person who makes the national news (whether it's for doing something really stupid or just downright criminal), approximately 80% of the time that person is from Colorado (or has spent a significant amount of time here)...and 100% of the time our local news lady Anne Trujillo will find that "Colorado Connection."

Today's news headline proves my point well -- would-be bomber Faisal Shahzad's wife, Huma Mian, graduated from CU Boulder in 2004 with a degree in accounting. A couple of months ago we had Jihad Jane, and I'm sure a few months from now they'll discover one of Osama Bin Laden's kids plotting his next attack and hiding out in the woods somewhere north of Steamboat Springs. Or maybe it will just be another Colorado Park Ranger starting a million-acre forest fire while trying to harmlessly burn a voodoo doll of her ex-boyfriend. One way or another, though, we Coloradans are sure to be making our mark in history.

Let me give you a brief sampling of the types of things that I'm talking about:

1873 - Alfred Packer, America's only convicted cannibal. Took a group of prospectors into the Colorado mountains in the middle of winter looking for gold. Instead he only discovered that his fellow trekkers taste like chicken.

1924 - KKK takes over Colorado politics when Klan members were elected to office in city, state, and federal level positions.
Ben Stapleton - Denver Mayor & proud member
Clarence Morley - Colorado Governor who ran for office not only for himself, but also "for the benefit of the Klan."
Rice Means - Colorado US Senator & another proud member

1993 - Grandpa Bredo aka "Frozen Dead Guy" is taken from his cryogenics lab to a Tuff Shed in Nederland to be preserved on dry ice until he and Walt Disney are able to resurface in the future and rule the world. Now annually celebrated with Nederland's famous "Frozen Dead Guy Days" every summer.

1999 - Columbine. Let's face it, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold really got the ball rolling on the whole school-shootings thing.

2004 - Disgruntled citizen Marvin Heemeyer jerryrigs a tank out of his tractor in Granby and mows down the local bank, city hall, and former mayor's house, and then goes on a shooting rampage.

2009 - Balloon Boy...really, no additional explanation necessary.

So, I think you can see where I'm going with this. I'll update with more little Colorado Connections in the weeks and months to come - but suffice it to say, we got a lock on the freaks here. No wonder they chose Colorado to house the SuperMax penitentiary.

What's up with the writer's workshop?

2010-05-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, inspired by Lori to try to make some cyber-friends, I was tooling around in blog-land and came across this great site -- Mama's Losing It Mama Kat has this Writer's Workshop thing where she posts prompts and you write to the prompt and then on Thursday you post your prompt to her site. So I'm trying it out. I figure it has the added benefit of being a structured writing project every week...so that's what that is all about.

Writer's Workshop - A Open Letter to New Moms...

2010-05-04T17:26:00.000-07:00

I just love this, but it's not part of my letter...

Dear New Moms,

If you are anything like me, you are probably holding your sleeping infant right now looking down at him wondering how long it will be before he stops breathing. You've likely read every book on parenting on the shelves at Barnes and Noble (and even ordered a few extras off Amazon), gone to Walgreen's to stock your medicine cabinet with all things labeled "INFANT," and purchased at least 3 different brands of onesies to make sure you have the most comfortable kind.

But none of it helps - you're still pretty sure you're going to kill him!

I mean, it won't be on purpose or anything, but you just know they shouldn't have let you take him home from the hospital yet. You're not ready! He doesn't like you - he doesn't even know you yet!

He's probably going to starve to death because he only eats for like 2 seconds at a time, and there's no way he got all that necessary colostrum, so he's at least going to be retarded or maybe have a club-foot or something.

He can't possibly be getting any REM sleep because he wakes up every 6-8 minutes, and he cries every time you change his clothes or put him in his car seat so you're obviously causing him great pain, or severe annoyance at the very least.

And now, to top it all off, you've had a headache for 3 days and have started sneezing, so you're probably going to give him the swine flu...or maybe Ebola or flesh-eating strep or something. Let's face it -- you are not responsible enough to care for that child...and that's a big problem!

I know, because I was right there with you 10 years ago!

But, fast forward two and a half years and you'll be telling that darling boy to bring you a diaper while you change his baby sister...and this time, if nothing else, you'll be pretty sure you aren't going to kill her.

And those irrational fears (like the one where you're on the second floor at the mall and you accidentally trip and jettison her over the railing and into the deep fryer at Steak Escape; or the one where you are changing her diaper in the trunk of the car and you accidentally close the trunk with her and your purse and your phone and your keys and it's like 110 degrees outside at the time; or the one where you're looking at highchairs in Target and you set her carseat/carrier down on the floor for a second to get a closer look and you knock the entire shelf over on top of her and she's trapped under all those highchairs and boosters and whatnot) -- those too will subside. (I mean, you might still occasionally have the one where you forget to put sunscreen on his legs and he gets second degree burns and ends up with melanoma as a young adult, but for the most part, you're okay!)

So on this, your first Mother's Day, go ahead and put him in his crib and take your first shower since you've been home from the hospital...he'll be okay for the 10 minutes you're gone, and your husband may actually remember what you smelled like before the little guy came into your lives.

Happy Mother's Day!

Denver Dives - The Restaurant Critic Series

2010-05-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Ya Ting Chinese Cuisine, 15622 E. 6th Ave, Aurora
Better known as...Yuck Ting...

Perhaps I should have been clued in by the empty parking lot in this long, lost strip mall on in Northeast Aurora, or maybe the "UFO" shop next door, or the "summer specials" listed in the window (it's April and it snowed yesterday so I don't think even the most optimistic folks could yet call it summer), or that smell of unidentifiable-fried-stuff in oil that has been used a few too many items between changings, or maybe the "ketchup sauce" special listed for $5.99, or perhaps the Minnie Mouse doll the adorned the walls, or even the totally unappetizing photos of various unrecognizable entrees speckling the walls. I could go on and on and on and on (it's more fun if you sing that ala Don't Stop Believe from Journey)...The clues were all over the place -- we chose to ignore them, but I'll spare you the gory details and instead refer you to Melissa's review.

But, you should really see the before and after of my Sesame Chicken.

Maybe you're thinking -- that doesn't look totally unappetizing. But wait...here's the after...

So I'll go with the good news first. The broccoli was actually pretty good. (That's the extent of the good news.) Now for the not-so-good. The rice was a congealed ball of gummy rice-like-substance, but edible. The eggroll rivaled those that have been sitting under the heatlamps at the Panda in the mall for 2-3 hours. Not good, but if you are forced to choose between that and waterboarding I'd go with the eggroll. I can't say the same for the Sesame Chicken. First, I am not at all convinced that the meat-like-food-stuff which was allegedly below the over-fried-breading was actually chicken at all. That whole "looks like chicken - tastes like chicken - must be chicken" logic can't be applied because it neither looked nor tasted like any meat I'd before had the misfortune of eating. It was downright terrible!

So, for the first time ever, I am forced to keep all my pulgares to myself and give this place my BIG FAT THUMBS DOWN!!!!

Well this is unfortunate because Paul's birthday is in March!

2010-04-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that the forwarded horoscopes are totally prophetic, so I'm gearing myself up for some troubles in my marriage in the next year. Although I (being born in May) have a "strong relationship that will last forever." Paul, on the other hand (March b-day) "will discover that he will fall in love with someone totally unexpected." Any chance that's me???

Chinese Feng Shui Horoscope

This   is a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.
Take a moment to take this test!
If you are honest this tells the truth, it ' s pretty accurate.
Write your answers on paper.
Find out your horoscope at the bottom.

1. Which is your favorite   color:
              Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2.. Your first   initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like   more,
              Black or White?
5. The name of a person that is the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite   number?
7. Do you like California   or Florida   more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic   one)

When you are done, scroll   down.
Don ' t   cheat!

Answers:


         1.   If you chose:
               Red - You are alert and your life is full of   love.
               Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
               Green   - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
               Blue - You are spontaneous and love affection.
               Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good
                                advice to those who are   down.

        2. If your initials are:
                A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
                L-R You try to live your life to the max and your love life is
                          soon to bloom.
                S-Z   You like to help others and your future looks very
                           bright.

        3. If you were born in:
               Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will
                             discover that you fall in love with someone totally
                             unexpected.
               Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will
                                last   forever.
              Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a
                             major life-changing experience for the   good.
             Oct-Dec: Your life will be great, you will find your soul mate.

        4. If you chose:
                  Black: Your life is about to get better. You are more than
                                ready for the   change.
                  White: You have a friend who completely confides in you
                              and would do anything for you, but you may
                               not realize   it.

         5. This person should be your best friend.

         6. This is how many close friends you will have in your life time.

         7.. If you chose:
                        California : You like adventure.
                         Florida : You are a laid back person.

          8. If you chose:
                         Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover..
                                   You are very reserved.
                       Ocean:   You are spontaneous and like to please
                                      people.

          9. This wish will come true if you send this to 1 person in one
               hour.   Send it to ten people and it will come true before   your
               next birthday.

Real Conversations With My Imaginary Friend Shakira

2010-04-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

Regarding Arizona's new Immigration Law:

Shakira: I heard about it on the news and I thought, 'Wow,' It is unjust and it's inhuman, and it violates the civil and human rights of the Latino community ... It goes against all human dignity, against the principles of most Americans I know.

Me: Totally! It's like Nazi Germany.

Shakira: You're the smartest, most beautiful, most insightful, nicest person I've ever met. I'd like to give you all the rights to my next 10 songs.

Me: Oh, you're so sweet! I couldn't possibly accept more than 5.

Ok, so the last part didn't happen, but Shakira really did go to AZ to oppose the new law and she really did say that first stuff...but she only gave me 2 songs.

Dos Pulgares for Hot Chick-a-Latte (Update)

2010-04-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

Just for the record, I'd like to update you all on the status of Hot Chick. Things are rolling right along down there on Colfax. I received a very nice comment from Troy, one of the owners, who offered me a free coffee the next time I make it by. I've been out of town for the past week, but I'm going to get over there for a White Coffee soon...maybe tomorrow. He also assured me that they're painting the rest of the roof once the weather gets better, but given the fact that it SNOWED this morning, I am thinking that might not be for a while.

Hot Chick - for your good sense of humor and lightening the mood throughout Denver, as well as your "darn good coffee" you have earned my Denver Dives highest rating...Dos Pulgares!

Hot-Chick-a-Latte, I think I love you!

Survey Says 70% of Arizonans are Assholes!

2010-04-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna put this out there - if 70% of Arizonans support this new immigration law...Arizonans are assholes! And I guess it turns out that Phoenix really is Hell's training ground, and all you folks who favor this law, you're on the right track to make it there come Judgment Day.
As a general rule I tend to think that it's only Republicans who are xenophobic racist fools who hate people, but as it turns out, in Arizona some 51% of registered Democrats fall into that category as well.
In case you haven't already read enough about this law to make you want to vomit all over your keyboard, here's the brief recap. The law was sponsored by gun-loving, gay-hating, Mormon Russell Pearce: Arizona's quintessential Republican. According to the Economist, he's been known to joke that "being Republican, and thus not having a heart, saved his life when he got shot in the chest once." HA- that's so cute!
But his true passion is the apprehension and prosecution of those "Illegals" he prefers to call "invaders."
The truly controversial (read - racist) part of this law is that it requires law enforcement to identify, prosecute and deport undocumented aliens. Here's the actual text of the statute:

FOR ANY LAWFUL CONTACT MADE BY A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL OR AGENCY OF THIS STATE OR A COUNTY, CITY, TOWN OR OTHER POLITICAL SUBDIVISION OF THIS STATE WHERE REASONABLE SUSPICION EXISTS THAT THE PERSON IS AN ALIEN WHO IS UNLAWFULLY PRESENT IN THE UNITED STATES, A REASONABLE ATTEMPT SHALL BE MADE, WHEN PRACTICABLE, TO DETERMINE THE IMMIGRATION STATUS OF THE PERSON. THE PERSON'S IMMIGRATION STATUS SHALL BE VERIFIED WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PURSUANT TO 8 UNITED STATES CODE SECTION 1373(c).

So here's the immediate question: What is "lawful contact" for "reasonable suspicion" that a person "is an alien who is unlawfully present in the United States?" Well, I suppose if you have an accent or darker skin you can expect to be "lawfully" contacted...I mean, really...what else can they go on? Maybe they'll hand out red-white-and-blue citizen arm bands that we can all wear to prove we're "legal." All I have to say is, welcome to Nazi Germany! And don't forget your papers!

On Naming Your Child

2010-04-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

Since my brother Blake and his wife Deb are expecting another baby this fall, I have been thinking a lot about baby names.

In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that I have been wrong about this particular topic with regard to these particular parents in the past...I was opposed to naming their baby girl Cricket, arguing that it made a cute nickname but not a great given name...I was wrong! It's the perfect name for the perfect little girl, so I stand corrected.

But, I'm pretty sure I won't change my mind on this one:

DON'T PICK A "NOVEL," "CLEVER," OR "CUTE" SPELLING OF AN OTHERWISE NORMAL NAME!

With a name like Lorraine, I know exactly what it feels like to be the only kid in 2nd grade who has her name spelled wrong on about 90% of her Valentine's Day cards. To this day if I'm placing a to-go order or putting my name on a wait list I'll say my name only to be met with a quick glance at me, back at the paper, and the slow attempt to "sound it out" resulting in "L-a-r-a-i-n" or some variation thereof. I'm speaking from experience here, and my name is spelled right, it's just an odd name that's kinda hard to spell (what with that silent e at the end and whatnot).

But this trend to make up spellings is becoming alarming and I'm here to tell you it's creating a whole new category of self-doubt and sense of inadequacy among American children. These kids are going to grow up wondering why their parents hated them, and understanding that the world at large thinks they have a LAME NAME! It's tragic, really.

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

Mykel or Mykall (Michael) - Ks are very big these days.

Zakery (Zachary) - again with the k

Jazzmyn (Jasmine) - Y is also apparently a very popular letter.

Madasyn (Madison) - yet another Y

Jakub or Jaycub (Jacob) - mixing it up here , showing one variation with the K and another with the Y

Kristoffer (Christopher) - Another K, but this time they're also keeping it fresh by doing FF in lieu of PH

Kaelie (Kaylie) - Let's face it, Kaylie is a made up 20th Century name anyway. Do you really need to pretend to be Gaelic and do that AE thing in there?

Aeryn (Erin or Aaron) - Hitting 2 trends, what with that AE and the Y.

This whole "unique name" thing has been brought to the absurd with Gwyneth's "Apple" and Penn (of Penn & Teller)'s "Moxie Crimefighter" -- I didn't make that up. His other kid's name is Zolton...the only thing that could have made that worse is if he had spelled it Xolton instead.

My particular favorite lamely spelled name in the media at the moment is dumb pageant girl "Caite" (pronounced Katie) on the Amazing Race. As it turns out, for her, the spelling of her name is about as clever as it gets. In case you missed her brilliant and insightful response to why Americans suck at geography -- "and such as" -- you really must check this out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII&feature=player_embedded

My first hate-mail...I'm so excited!

2010-04-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

So if you remember a few days back, I posted a little critique of the new "coffee" bar on Colfax Hot Chick-a-Latte. Well, apparently I struck a nerve because "Anonymous" got all up in my cyber face calling me a "sexless female who is incapable of speaking her mind in public and has to harass young attractive females behind the anonymity of the internet." I find it more than a little ironic that ANONYMOUS is accusing me of hiding behind the anonymity of the internet!!!
It's so exciting. I'm starting to know what it feels like to be hated for my fame...well, I'm starting to imagine that I can imagine what it feels like...or something like that.
Thanks Anonymous -- you made my day!

On Spending PowerBall Winnings and Other Issues of Import

2010-04-19T06:11:00.000-07:00

As part of our marital vows, Paul and I agreed to purchase a PowerBall ticket every time the jackpot reaches or exceeds $100 Million. I made that up, Colorado didn't even join in the PowerBall until way after we were married, but this was written into our vows Ex Post Facto. (When you're a stay-at-home lawyer sometimes you need to say things like de jure and ex post facto and modus operandi just to validate the monthly student loan payments you're still making nearly 15 years later.)

Paul: Did you get a ticket? [Totally apropos to nothing yet requiring no additional explanation whatsoever.]
Me: No. You need to get the ticket. I'm not good at winning. I never win!
Paul: Oh because I'm so good at winning? Get a ticket.
Me: OK, fine.
Paul: So what are we going to do with the money?
Me: I promised the boys that the first thing I would spend it on is 100 Bakugan for each of them.
Paul: So we'll be getting another 200 Bakugan for them to leave all over the house? Great. You're not good at this at all.
Me: Well what do you want to do with it?
Paul: We should pay off the house and the condo.
Me: Well so far I can see you're much better at this than I am, Mr. Practical.
Paul: And I'm retiring immediately.
Me: DUH!
Paul: And we can travel.
Me: This is better - where should we go? Argentina? I can show you around Buenos Aires. [This is my favorite way to needle Paul because despite the fact that he has done about 300 times more traveling than I have, he's never been to South America or Africa and I have...naaa-na-naaa-na-boo-boo!]
Paul: Ha - you're funny! India. I want to go to India.
Me: Only if we're staying at 5* places. I can't handle the poverty there. It'll make me too sad.
Paul: We'll have a home base at some great place and I'll go travel to the more remote places by myself. It'll be perfect.
Me: Ok, but then I want to go to --
Paul: Turkey - I know, we'll go to Turkey. We can charter a boat and go to all those remote islands.
Me: Perfect. That's what I'm talking about!
Paul: And I want to buy to sailboat.
Me: No.
Paul: What do you mean "no"???
Me: Sailboats are a pain in the ass and they're super expensive. The boat itself is expensive and then you have to pay for the slip, have someone take care of it...No.
Paul: We win $121MM cash value and you won't let me buy a sailboat?
Me: No. You can charter a sailboat if you want, but I don't want to own one.
Paul: You're ruining the fantasy. You totally suck at this!
--phone rings--it's my mom--
Me: Hi mom - what's up?
Mom: Hi honey. I'm on the way to the doctor for my ...[I set the phone down for a second to get my coffee and walk into the other room to play Bejeweled while we talk] ... to Blake's for dinner. What's up with you?
Me: We're just spending our lotto winnings over here.
Mom: What? You won the lottery?
Me: No mom, it's a fantasy game we play every time the jackpot gets over $100 million.
Mom: Oh good, good. That's good.
Me: ?? What's good? Are you talking to me?
Mom: I just mean it's good you didn't win the lottery. That would just ruin your lives!
Me: What are you talking about?
Mom: All those people who win the lottery. They end up broke and miserable. I would just hate to see that happen to you.
Me: It only ruins the lives of stupid people. It wouldn't ruin my life, I promise!
Mom: Well, ok. I just worry about you, that's all.
Me: Thanks mom, but I'm gonna risk it. Love you.
--
Paul: So can I have my sailboat?
Me: No.

************
Just for the record, here's a peek at a few recent winners:

$1Million Winner Phil Gossett of Monroe, Louisiana has recently changed his profile pic on Match.com to this one and has suddenly become significantly more popular among the ladies. Go figger.

Frank and Loretta Griffin of Asheville, North Carolina took home a lump sum of over $47MM after taxes and now they plan to "spend more time with their family" and "possibly take a trip to Hawaii." Possibly???

Barbara Baker of Hopkinsville, Kentucky was "mad" that she couldn't go to bingo, but "wasn't mad anymore" when she realized she'd won $1M on her PowerPlay.
But I'm not really sure about this one. Looks more like she photoshop-ed it into her mug shot, don't ya think? Where's the colorful background? Why the drab brown wall behind her??

I don't know Mom...I think we'd be okay...and I just might let Paul get that sailboat after all.

Me and my BlogArt...not to be confused with Bloggart...

2010-04-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to start referring to myself as a "Blog-Artist" in all profession-related inquiries. My words are my medium...and the world is my inspiration. Now, don't confuse a BlogArtist with a Bloggart-ist. A "bloggart" is a person who uses his blog only for self promotion and self-aggrandizement, a cyber-braggart if you will. I made that word up. Well, actually, Paul made that word up but he gave up the right to call anything his own some 13 years ago before God and all our friends and family, so I'm taking credit for it on his behalf. He'd want me to, really.
Anyway, my point is, you should be expecting great things here in the days and months to come. I have big plans for this blog. I'm really going to be bringing a new vision to the world-wide-web and the internets and such.
Just thought I should let you all know so that you can brace yourselves...

Hot Chick-a-Latte...yeah, it's a real place!

2010-04-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

I should start this post by saying that I am pretty sure I am the ONLY female customer this place has had in all 5 days of being in business, and it's pretty safe to say that I am the only one they will have in all 100 days of business before they shut their doors...or maybe they won't?

PLEASE CLICK ON PHOTOS FOR A MUCH BETTER VIEW!

Apparently taking hiring cues from the folks at Hooters, Hot Chick-a-Latte is the newest innovation in coffee since the cardboard anti-burn sleeve. And it has hit the streets of Denver with a boob...I mean, boom!
I guess this is a chain that started somewhere in the Northwest - perhaps people had gotten bored of the standard Seattle roast and were looking for something a little -- perkier -- to wake them up in the morning.
Hot Chick-a-Latte opened this Tuesday in Denver in an old Der Wienerschnitzel A Frame on Colfax at Dexter. It's no accident that this place used to be a wiener shop, either, lest you missed the pun.
As you can see, they've done some major renovations to the staff...I mean, the building, by painting part of the roof hot pink. Why only part, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine. Actually the other side doesn't have any pink at all, which is really a bummer because the hot pink is so much more appealing to the "Average Joe" Joe-drinker than red. But I think we can all agree, this is not a place that's worried about external appearances...it's really just about the coffee!
When I drove by a couple of days ago the Hot Chicks were out in hot pink bikinis hocking their wares...I mean, coffee...Today, however, it was a little chilly, so you can see that they really needed to cover up a bit more. This is their cold-weather garb:

Now, as much as I'd like to make fun of this place, I really can't. The girls were really sweet and funny and thought it was great that I was there to take photos for my blog. They didn't take themselves too seriously and they thought it was "cute" that I (an old lady, from where they sit) got a kick out of the place.
I ordered a C-cup non-fat latte which ran me $3.27. C-cup is the second to the smallest size. They have B, C, D & DD -- don't even waste their time fooling around with the As. My latte was fine...not great, not terrible, but it was almost as hot as the chick serving it, so it was all right.

And they're not only stimulating the...body...but also the mind. Their "daily question" is really designed to make you think. It's a bit hard to read with the glare on the window, but today's inquiry was this:

Would you rather
A: Have a permanent smile
or
B: A permanent erection???

I mean, grammatical issues aside, this is really the stuff that's gonna change the world, don't ya think?

I'd like to take this opportunity, however, to inform you about the "clientele" that visits Hot Chick. Yep, you guessed it, lecherous old men with their mouths agape and eyes never quite making it to the Barista's faces. I couldn't convince a-one to let me take his picture for my blog. But this ought to give you an idea:

Of course, without the charisma of Bill...so maybe this gives you a better idea:

Sorry Grandpa - I couldn't resist!

Generation Whine - Meet Generation Wine

2010-04-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

So, I'm just gonna put this out there. If you are over the age of 35, you did not whine like your children do. How do I know? Because you are still around to ask whether you whined like that when you were a kid, and if you did, you wouldn't be! Let me assure you, if you're over the age of 35 and whined like kids do now, your dad would have smacked you [HARD] and told you to shut up before he really gave you something to whine about...and you, being of sound mind, would have backed quickly out of the room and then made a run for it down the street or to some safer area because -- Dad wasn't kidding!
But now there's all this PC bullshit telling us that we need to "listen" to our children to help them find their own solutions and really learn how to nurture themselves. Which means that we, as parents, are apparently supposed to sit back and listen to that irritating noise that eventually has us strung out to the point of totally losing it and telling our kids to "shut the fuck up" in our occasional complete breaks from sanity.
Unless, of course, we have uncorked another bottle. So, when you've already explained to your kid that you can't understand her because you don't speak Whinese and that Whambulance has come and gone, make your way over to the liquor cabinet and pour yourself a hearty glass of whatever thing your hand lands upon first. It won't stop the whining but you won't give a shit!

Denver Dives - The Restaurant Critic Series

2010-04-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

Thailanding Cafe - 1984 Nome Street, Aurora 80010

When we arrived in the parking lot of Thailanding, I was immediately suspect of Paul's choice for lunch. What would you think?

It's next door to a laundromat in a very rundown part of Aurora. I was not expecting much. But then I noticed an Illy coffee poster in the window, which I thought was odd. It's about the most expensive coffee around, and it seemed out of place. I was intrigued, I won't lie.

Then you go inside and it kind of doesn't match the weird strip-mall exterior. It's kind of this cheery diner/Asian restaurant vibe with Naugahyde benches in a sort of hospital beigish-pink with some odd art work on the walls. But there's also a bunch of Shiva/Buddha/some other Thai goddess icons around. It's funky in a weird 70s kind of way...At this point the jury was still out on the place, and we were the only people in there, so my skeptical side was rearing its ugly little head...but I was still anxious to taste the food.

And WOW - the food was GREAT! It's one of those places that you go up to the counter to order from a menu that has about 100 items to choose from so you might feel a little overwhelmed. But don't freak out - just pick something and I'm sure it will be good. I got Massuman Curry with Chicken for $6.95 and Paul got Hot Spicy Thai Pork (Pud Kra Pow) for $5.95. Neither one of us knew what to expect, but they were both delicious. And the best part is that there's none of this cheap lunch/expensive dinner phenomenon that frequently happens at Asian restaurants. It's one menu day and night, totally reasonable (i.e.cheap) prices and great food.

Dos Pulgares!!
Two big thumbs up!

Real Conversations With My Imaginary Dietary Consultant (IDC)

2010-04-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

IDC: You know, you really shouldn't eat those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups the kids got for Easter.
Me: Oh, they're just the small ones. It's not a big deal.
IDC: So how many small ones does it take to make a full-size one?
Me: Oh, Jesus, I have no idea. Probably like - 12??
IDC: Mmmm, I'd guess more like 2 or 3.
Me: No way. It takes at least 5 to make a full size.
IDC: Let's just assume it's 4.
Me: Whatever. 4. What's your point?
IDC: There's like 10 wrappers in the trash, so basically you've eaten more than a full pack by now.
Me: Well, not of the Walgreens/movie theater 4 packs. That's like barely more than half, and that's using your crazy math of only 4 smalls = 1 large and everyone knows that there's at least 8 smalls in one big.
IDC: Really, there's only so much I can do here...
For the record, there were not more than 5 wrappers in the trash. Frickin' exaggerating IDC!

Goodbye Explorer...Hello Firefox

2010-04-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

So I just switched my default browser to Firefox because when I upgraded to the "improved" version of Blogger.com, it took away my spell check...which, if you asked me, is just lame! There's some nonsense explanation online about how the interest (Google in particular) is multilingual so it doesn't behoove them to have spell check just in English. Hello - I'm blogging in America and I don't want shit misspelled on my blog!
Whatever! Firefox just does it automatically for me, so see ya' later Microsoft!

Lo-prah's Book Club

2010-04-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

The Privileges by Jonathan Dee
OK - so I don't know what I think about this book. It's the story of this East Coast couple who get married too young but make things work because they have some incredible bond and love each other madly. They live in NYC and he gets a Wall Street job and makes tons of money and then has some illegal insider trading scheme that makes him really a ton of money and eventually he starts his own hedge fund and becomes like really really really rich (4 syllable rich - Paul would say - like ri-hi-hi-hich!).
Anyway, they have this silly life of exorbitant privilege and their kids are these sheltered entitled losers. And there's really nothing particularly compelling about any of the characters that makes you care one way or the other about what happens to them. It's not that they are total assholes like Michael Douglas in Wall Street or anything. Nobody ever says "greed is good," but you can tell that living in the perfect penthouse overlooking Central Park and belonging to the perfect clubs and living as the "perfect people" is all these people ever wanted for themselves. And they get it - without ever having to endure any kind of struggle to get there. It's like they are so patently un-selfaware that it never even occurs to them to question their actions or take stock along the way. Life just happens to these people. Even the seemingly seedy or illegal activity the guy gets involved in just seems to wrap itself nicely up when he decides he no longer wants to do it. It's just weird.
In the end they realize they want to "do something good" for they world so they start some multinational foundation to save the world or end poverty or some such shit - blah blah blah. And throughout the book I found myself asking "do I have the slightest interest in what becomes of these people?" And the answer was a resounding NO.
You can't possibly feel sorry for these people or their poor-little-rich-kid kids with their stereotypical drug problem on the one hand and self-loathing for coming from money on the other. The guy who makes his zillions of dollars but can't stop because making money seems to be the only thing he knows how to do - oh, cry me a river, or his beautiful wife whose father left when she was a kid and finds herself forever needing to feel needed and/or wanted by him. It's just all so cliché. But there's nothing interesting enough to really hate about them either - so like I said, I just found myself asking "so what" throughout the entire book.
But then again, it's not like I hated the book or was so bored that I couldn't finish. (Well, to be fair, it's only 250 pages and it took me over a week to finish reading every night when I went to bed...so I obviously could put it down.) But, I finished it, so I must have had some level interest. It wasn't like Prodigal Summer that I started and put down about 10 times before finally packing it away in the guest-room closet hoping to hand it off to some sucker passing through on the way to the airport. Maybe I just don't get it. It's probably too complex and/or subtle for me. I guess I should stick to the Twilight series!

Maybe the hit-counter is not such a good idea!

2010-04-13T12:22:00.001-07:00

So far I have a grand 3 hits...and I believe all 3 of them were by ME. This could be damaging to the overall self-esteem thing I've got going on...we'll see!

Real Conversations with my Imaginary Fashion Consultant (IFC)

2010-04-12T10:43:00.001-07:00

IFC: You need to go change. You can't wear sweatpants in the middle of the day on a work day.

Me: Oh, these aren't sweat pants. They're yoga pants. Besides, I don't work.

IFC: Well the fact that you don't work - that's abundantly clear...but are you doing yoga right now?

Me: Uh, no.

IFC: Have that planned for later, do ya?

Me: Well, no. I'm just wearing these. They're comfortable.

IFC: And yesterday - those velour things, I suppose those weren't sweatpants either?

Me: No - those are more like "leisure wear." It's the new daytime casual.

IFC: Go put some real clothes on for God's sake.

Me: Why? I'm just sitting at home by myself. Why does it matter?

IFC: It matters!

Me: I don't get why.

IFC: That's my whole point...

Just for the record...my imaginary fashion consultant it a total wimp...I'm sitting here in velour leisure pants right now!

Ever wondered who's the worst mom in the world? Now we know!

2010-04-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

So, we've had our fair share of bad parenting episodes here in Colorado, don't get me wrong. Take Balloon-Boy's dad, for example. The Heeny's are way up there on the Don't Do This Shit To Your Kids flow chart. And back in 2000 we had to those crazies over in Golden the Newmakers who suffocated their daughter to death during a "rebirthing" therapy. That was bad and I'm not making excuses for them, but the truth is, regardless of the obvious fact that they are lunatics, they did think they were helping the kid; it wasn't just about them being too selfish to deal - they actually thought recreating the birthing experience would "cure" her of her psychological troubles. (Yes, I realize the irony there - the whole nature vs. nurture argument SCREAMS nurture in that case!) But this lady in Tennessee - this Hansen lady - she's really rivaling the best of the worst.
Here's the story - Hansen adopts a 7 year old boy from Russia and then decides that the Russian government had "misrepresented" his mental state...so she ships him back??!!!?? Literally - she buys him a one-way ticket to Moscow and sends him BY HIMSELF from Washington DC with a note to the Russian authorities saying she's "returning" him.
HE'S A CHILD - NOT A FAKE iPOD THAT DOESN'T HOLD AS MANY SONGS AS YOU WERE LED TO BELIEVE. YOU CAN'T JUST RETURN HIM LIKE A PIECE OF SPOILED MEAT.
Does she still have her receipt? Does she want her money back, or would she settle for a store-credit? What's the country's return policy on CHILDREN????
As if this kid didn't already have enough problems - whatever the reasons were for him ending up in an orphanage to begin with, now he has the added trauma of being taken from him home country to a place where nobody speaks his native language or has any idea what he's been through under the false hope of finding a home. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water.
There's a special place in hell for this one!
http://http//news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_russia_adopted_boy

The real story of Santa

2010-04-07T10:39:00.001-07:00

**This conversation took place just before Christmas. It's a cute little vignette I thought I would use to remind us that (Tourette's issues aside) childhood is still filled with wide-eyed wonder.

Zach: Mom, are you Santa?

me: Oh yeah, I spend Christmas Eve every year riding around the world on my reindeer driven sleigh handing presents out to a bunch of kids I don't even know.

Zach: Ugh, mom - I'm serious!

me: No, I'm not Santa! Besides, Santa's a boy, so maybe Daddy's Santa but I don't think so because we can't afford all that stuff. Why do you ask?

Zach: Safia told me there's no Santa. She said it's just the mom and dad that give the kids presents.

me: (scrambling) Oooohhhh, sweetie, that's so sad. Safia must be really bad!

Zach: Why? What do you mean?

me: I guess she's so bad that Santa never even comes to her house at all and her mom had to make up an excuse about why not!

Zach: Yeah. She is pretty bad. And she lies! I'm glad Santa doesn't skip our house.

me: Me too, honey. Me too!

Random acts of kindness

2010-04-06T16:05:00.001-07:00

So when I "got back to the keyboard" last month I said I was going to perform "random acts of kindness." Yeah...well...that didn't last. I think I'm just not inclined to be randomly kind. Kinda-ly random, sure, but not randomly kind.

The Swearing 7 Year Old

2010-04-06T14:35:00.001-07:00

So I have a problem. Zach, my seven year old son, has taken to saying the "F" word in front of small children. Most recently it was at my cousin's house on Easter. Nothing like a good four letter word to end the brunch in a hurry. Lindsay's three year old daughter Lyla was playing "Memory" with my boys. Zach turned over a duck (not a match) and said "Duck - fuck."
Now don't get me wrong, under other circumstances I might have chuckled at this little faux pas, but only a few short weeks before we were playing bridge at our friends' house and he called Alex an "F-er." We'd had a long talk about how it's embarrassing and inappropriate and made him apologize to our hosts, went home and lectured some more (thanks dad - you really helped me master the art of beating a dead horse)...and we figured the F bomb had hit its last target for a while, right?
WRONG!
SO what do you do? I realize my inclination to ask what the fuck is wrong with him might have been on the wrong track, but really, how do I emphasize that it's really not okay? Taking away video games seemed to work its magic the first time, but apparently that punishment was only effective until it was forgotten (Oh, say, five minutes after it had ended)...so I am now just sitting here wondering when that ugly word is going to rear its head again.
Suggestions for effective punishments that don't spark the notice of Social Services are greatly appreciated.

Lawyer-Mom...sounds like a real Super Hero to me!

2010-04-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

The year I started law school marked the first in which there was an even split of men and women in the classroom. Like so many other fields, most of the faces coming to interview us were older men (almost exclusively white), wearing suits and talking about the promise of a great career in law. They kept telling us that things had finally evened out - thank God for Title 9 we'd think - we're actually going to be "equals" in this field. We young wannabe lawyer women really felt like the world was at our feet - glass ceilings be damned, we're rocketing up there with our helmets on ready to smash through any barrier you put in our way...or so we thought.
Now, some 15 years later, I reflect back on all the women I graduated with and I wonder - how many of you are still out there practicing law and fighting the good fight? NOT MANY!
I don't have a scientific study to back this up, but my own non-scientific research tells me that being a lawyer is not a good career choice for women who "want it all." The balance of work and family life people talk about - that doesn't exist for lawyers. And so, at this point in my life, only a small select few of my female law school colleagues are partners in firms pulling in the big bucks. Let me explain why.

Law firms based their expectations and salaries and bonuses and entire worlds around the "billable hour." There's always a yearly minimum - call it 2000 hours - that attorneys are required to meet to keep their jobs. At first glance, this requirement seems rather reasonable - 40 hours a week for 50 weeks out of the year - no problem, right?

WRONG - the "billable hour" bears little resemblance to its distant cousin the "actual hour." Actual hours consist of bathroom breaks, lost pens, texts about where to have lunch, coffee, phone calls from your mom and even the occasional drop-in from your office neighbor complaining about the fat guy who always seems to pass gas right in front of her door. The actual hour contains the 15 minutes it takes to remember exactly how long it took to finalize the draft of the memo you were working on to complete your last "billable hour." The actual includes a few minutes between billable hours to remind yourself that there is a world outside your 10 x 10 office that does indeed contain sunlight, breezes, changing weather, non-lawyers, and even fun! The billable hour contains none of the above!

Hey Mom - Why do we celebrate Easter?

2010-04-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

Diet Coke...The price would suggest they've gone back to the original recipe??

2010-04-01T05:52:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who's noticed, or does it surprise everyone to go into the grocery store and see a 12 pack ON SALE for $4? Apparently the "regular" price is now approaching $5, though I did see it at Walmart for something like $3.89. But still, this seems like a colossal bump (I swear it used to be like $2.50 and the regular sale price would be like $2) and it's got me wondering - did they start putting coke in Coke again?

So, out of protest to the price, I am now officially (recall the sarcasm font) "trying to drink less diet coke" (you can see I really stretch myself!) Instead I bought a 160 pack of green tea for $7.29. I can make a whole pitcher of iced green tea for about 30 cents. This is much more to my recessionista liking!

Lo-prah's Book Club

2010-03-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

Oh I admit it, I'm green with envy for Oprah and I want my own Book Club too! So this is the first in a series I like to call Books I Liked and if You Have Good Taste You'll Like Them Too.

1) The Help by Kathryn Stockett -- I really loved this book. It's the kind of book that you actually slow down reading when you get toward the back because you just don't want it to end...but you need to know what happens too, so you'll find yourself turning pages faster and faster again, only to curse yourself when you realize you're 60 pages closer to not having it anymore. The story is set in the South in the early 60s. The "Help" are the black maids of overprivileged white women. The only white woman who really has any redeeming qualities at all is (of course) destined to the life of a spinster. The book is very well written. It's touching, and funny, and at times will raise your ire. It's a fast read that I found myself missing when I got to the end. (It's ok - you can throw up if you need to. This kind of effusive rant is really beneath me, I will try to do better in the future!)

2) The Glass Castle & Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls -- Both of these "memoirs" are very good and well worth the read. I actually read them in reverse order to their writing (Half Broke Horses and then The Glass Castle), but this made for a chronologically correct read. I hadn't actually heard anything about either of these books and I saw HBH on a display table at the library, so I checked it out. It's the story of Walls' maternal grandmother who was a rancher living off the grid in Arizona in the 1930s. It's a story of hardship and triumph and, and, and -- and now I'm starting to sound like web-critic for Barnes and Noble so I'm going to stop! The point is it was good. I read The Glass Castle after reading HBH. It was equally good, though it certainly raises those James Frey inspired questions like: "Did this really happen?" But, from what I can tell, unlike Frey, her Million Little Pieces seem to be substantiated by verifiable truth. Maybe you (I) just want it to be fiction because her life sucks so badly that you can't believe anyone from those circumstances would actually make anything of herself. I don't know - but it's good.

3) Devil in the White City by Eric Lawson - This is not a new book (I think it came out about 10 years ago or something), but I find myself recommending it again and again. It's the only book that I can think of that both Paul and I really enjoyed. It's a historical book (not really a novel, but certainly there are imagined elements) with parallel stories from the 1893 Chicago World's Fair. Half of the book follows the architects and landscape architects commissioned to build the fair, and the other half follows the story of America's first (known) serial killer. It's fascinating. The serial killer aspect is at least somewhat fictionalized, but it's based on the trial transcripts, letters, and a lot of other first accounts, so it's certainly grounded in fact. The details, however, are imagined. It's a heftier book than any of the others that I recommend, but it's well worth the read.

Please comment with your own suggestions!!

Sarcasm in Cyberspace

2010-03-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

To know me is to hear me, and to love me is to appreciate my sarcastic sense of humor. This is one of the problems I have with blogging -- how do I adequately convey the level of disdain, exasperation, "botheration" (this, according to ask.com, is an actual word - a synonym for exasperation) or just plain annoyance that I'm feeling in cyberspace? I suppose I could just hit it head on with an "isn't it annoying that..." but this really goes against my inner nature. I want tone, inflection, and phrasing to say it all, and I'm troubled by the fact that someone might actually take me seriously if I were to say something like "Sarah Palin is a real modern American mom. She's out there everyday showing us regular gals that we really can have it all - and lipstick too!" So I am instituting "Lolo's Sarcasm Font." Whenever you read something on this blog in plain-old typewriter Courier font, please add snark, cynicism, and just a touch of superiority to your tone. Thanks! No, that should really say "Thanks"...I think.

Watch out Denver, Here We...Stay???

2010-03-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

So our plans for Spring Break have suddenly changed and it looks like the Weissman clan will be enjoying (in true 2009 Recession form) the new classic "Staycation" here at home. I'm sure there are plenty of exciting adventures we could find right here at home, but I know we're all looking forward to countless hours of video games and Lost...um, I mean, hitting all the local museums and really getting to know our city better...right!

Every 40 Year Old Woman has a 14 Year Old Girl in her Somewhere

2010-03-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

Spring break is approaching, and I must say that after the events of the last few days, I am prepping myself for more family drama. We're going to Telluride ("home") to visit my parents, and though I think it's all fine with Blake now, you just never know really. Old wounds can resurface faster than the blink of an eye, and before you even realize that your joke about always winning at backgammon has a backstory all its own, it's too late!
There's just something about family that makes us all revert to the rolls we played growing up. I am the middle child and the only girl, so that carries with it some stereotypical feelings of inadequacy, constant rebellion, and a sometimes insatiable need for more attention. Scott (my older brother) was the over-achiever highly motivated self-directed one. Blake, on the other hand, was the baby, overly coddled, several year younger third child who was blessed with parents who were pretty much done with parenting by the time highschool rolled around for him. -- I would come home from college aghast at the sugar cereal in the pantry and conspicuously absent curfews for my then 7th grade younger brother. And believe me, this unfairness did not go unnoticed (nor unmentioned, for that matter).
And still, 20 years later, get us all back in the kitchen at 400 N. Oak and we may has well have travelled back in time to 1985. Scott will be there telling me what I "need to do" and Blake will mouth over his shoulder - " Remember my motto: say yes and do whatever you want." I, on the other hand, will probably feign interest for a few minutes before my 14 year old self shakes her head, says "what-ever" and gives the accompanying eyeroll shown here.
So even though at 14 I was certain my 40-something parents were - like - 100 and couldn't possibly remember or understand being a teenage, I (now the one who is - like - 100) I know for sure that I was wrong. Not only can we relate to and understand those teenage years, we will actually become them if faced with a sufficient amount of familial strife, particularly with siblings and parents.
I can already feel the eye-roll building momentum, the hip jutting sideways, and that heavy sigh of exasperation followed by "WHATEVER" rolling off my tongue...I'm afraid it could be a long week ahead!

The internet is weird

2010-03-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I caused quite a stir with yesterday's photo. Everyone is speculating whether it is indeed my younger brother running naked through a room of old ladies playing bridge, and quite frankly the issue was never settled to my liking (or Blake's either, for that matter.) But I have to say, it was totally unintentional. I kind of feel like I'm living an episode of Lost.
***SPOILER ALERT****No - the spoiler's not for you loyal readers...it's for me! I need you to understand that we just started watching Lost this winter from Netflix and we're only partway into season 3 so don't be putting in the comments something like "Can you believe Sawyer killed Kate last week" because I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!! Well, that's not true, I DO want to know, but I don't want to know YET...and I certainly don't want to from you!
OK - so now that that's clear, I'll explain. You know how on Lost there's always another one of the characters in the background of some other person's back-story? That's basically what happened to me with that photo. Honestly, I just went online yesterday to find a snazzy photo to jazz up the Bridge post (4 z's in that sentence). Anyway, I went on Google images and put something like "bridge" in as a search term and that's one of the photos that came up.
I just thought the picture was funny - and I didn't even notice that it is (was, could be, whatever) my brother...but Paul and Lori immediately noted the resemblance, and then I thought it would be funny to do a cyber-poll on FB to see if others agreed.
Well, the whole thing spiraled out of control and I think Blake's a little annoyed at me now. I took down the poll, but the truth is it's pretty funny. The thing is, he doesn't remember doing that, but he says it is entirely possible that he did during some hazing ritual when he was a pledge...if I really thought it was him I wouldn't have posted it...well, that's not true, I probably would have anyway.
IT'S FUNNY!
So Blake wanted to know where I got the picture, and I have been trying to recreate the same search and I cannot for the life of me find it. I'm almost sure I just put "bridge" in the search terms, but now when I do that photos of the Golden Gate and Brooklyn bridge come up...not old ladies playing cards with some naked drunk guy running through the room. I don't get it!
Anyway, now that it's all said and done, I really want to know if it is in fact Blake...but it's kind of like that age old question of how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop...the world may never know!

All of the cool kids are playing bridge

2010-03-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

So, a few years back, I was watching 60 Minutes (first instance upon which you might assume I am several decades older than I am), and they were doing a story on Bill Gates and Warren Buffet taking up the cause for teaching Bridge to school children. My grandparents had taught me and my brother to play when we were kids, so I thought maybe I would cajole Paul into learning and we could have a new hobby. (Second instance upon which you might assume I am several decades older than I am.)
Anyway, we took a class from local bridge legend Norma Sands (third instance) with our friends the Rosenbergs and it was off to the races, so to speak.
Unfortunately, Bridge with Bridget and Michael (despite the close association of her name to the game) didn't work out so well. Mike wanted to try to bluff during the bidding, which really defeats the purpose, and he was dismayed that the "language of bridge" (fourth) meant that not only his partner, but also his opponents would be clued into his hand.
So, after a few rather pathetic attempts to start my new bridge playing life off, our foursome fell apart and we dropped it. (For those of you who have been following my blog, you'll know this is not a real departure from my normal MO, so try as I might to blame Mike, I guess I'm the common denomiator in all those failures to follow through).
That said, I recently had a renewed interested in all things 1950, and our neighbors Bryan and Julie are learning with us. They're coming over tonight for our 3rd game. We've mastered the art of the first bid and are now all struggling with the "my partner seems to indicate that they can't help me with my bid so where do I go from here."
The problem for me and Paul is that Bryan is a professional poker player (yes...that's his job), so his natural propensity for all things cardlike is going to mean that we will be quickly outmatched. But, for now, we can still give them a bit of a game...so wish us luck!

Cheyenne Wells, Colorado - Annual Machine Gun Shoot

2010-03-21T15:43:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I forget that Colorado is deep in the heart of redneck country, so stories like this one help remind me of my roots. We're just a hop skip and a jump away from shaved heads and swastikas here in Denver, and this will prove it.
To give a little back-story, this morning I was checking out some local drive-trip ideas to do with the kids this summer. I didn't enroll them in camp, and we don't have a big trip planned, so I am trying to figure some stuff out that will fill the long hours of daylight in June and July. SO, I thought I would check out Bent's Old Fort down in La Junta. My internet travels quickly led me east to Dodge City, and I thought "hey - we could do a Santa Fe Trail wild west tour!" FUN!
I then turned to Mapquest to see what exciting hot spots we could hit in our tornado-chasing Tahoe when we're gettin the hell outta Dodge...and I noticed a little town in eastern Colorado called Cheyenne Wells. For some reason I felt like I had heard of it before, but in retrospect I was probably thinking of Indian Wells.
Anyway, it's all pretty close so I figured there must have been some gun-slinging going on there in days past...little did I know!
Turns out, this quiet little community hosts it's very own annual Machine Gun Festival. It's put on by the local volunteer fire-fighters and you can rent a 50 caliber rifle, machine gun, even a cannon for your shooting pleasure. That's right, ordinary folks out for a weekend of machine gun shooting and cannon blasting. Throw in a few Budweisers and we got ourselves a right fine weekend! Bring the kids, but "hearing protection" is required, so swing by Walgreens on your way of town, or just reuse those plugs you got for last month's monster truck rally.
See y'all there!
www.cheyennewellsfire.com/machinegunshoot.htm

Maybe a cute new background will inspire me to write?

2010-03-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

I suppose it's not likely, but there's certainly no harm in trying! And I accomplished my mini-goals for today if I can count picking up my dog's poop when noone else was watching as a random act of kindness!

Getting back to the keyboard

2010-03-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

Call it Adult Onset ADD or just a lazy excuse, but whatever it is, I have a genuine problem with sticktoitiveness. (Yea, I made that word up). But as part of that overall problem, I find myself unable to complete some pretty basic tasks such as remembering to give my son his antibiotics after day 6, putting away the folded laundry, or writing blog entries after a week of a pretty good effort. That said, I'm back at it! Since this entry is really more about the process and less about the content, I should warn you - all of you 3 million readers of this blog who have been sorely disappointed by my cyber-absence of late - that I can't promise much of an interesting read beyond now...
Lately I've been trying to get to the root of the problem. Is it that I'm afraid of the success I'll enjoy if I actually finish something I start? Maybe - that's pretty deep for my superficial self, but it could be. Fear that I'll have nothing left once the task is complete? Again, awfully psychoanalytical, but perhaps. Or maybe it's just that I am easily distracted, get bored, and quickly latch on to the new, more colorful distraction that pops up in front of my face. This seems the most likely.
I have long called myself "immediate gratification girl," and I have trouble recognizing the benefit of sustained efforts toward some amorphous long-term goal. I guess that's something that attracted me to litigation - you get a case, you jump through all the hoops of the pretrial process, and in the unusual event that you can't reach a conclusion beforehand, you have one last big push for trial and then it's over...on to a new task. (I know - there are cases that drag on forever, but not in the silly world of petty crime and rear-end car accidents that I lived in.)
But, I'm giving myself 2 months to see how I feel when I do a few things every day. Here they are:
1) Write on this blog for a minimum of 10 minutes.
2) Walk Roxy for a minimum of 20 minutes.
3) Do one complete load of laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away).
4) Extend one random act of kindness. (This has a very broad interpretation - it might be opening the door for a stranger, picking up a piece of trash on the ground, whatever, but it must be a conscious choice.
I figure reporting the random act of kindness could give me at least 30 seconds of material for my blog, so it's kind of a symbiotic relationship there.
Anyway, I've well exceeded my 10 minutes today...the ball is rolling! Now I just need to go find something nice to do...that might be hard for me. We'll just have to see!

Try not to lose your neighbor's pets...

2009-03-15T11:57:00.001-07:00

Wow - talk about a stressfull evening. My 9 year old was "hired" by the neighbors to feed their 3 cats while they went out of town for the night...seemingly simple enough task...
Well, the lock on the door sticks, so he needed my help to get in. We went over last night just before bed to take care of the evening feeding. All is well, or so it seems, at first. Our dog, Roxy, had followed us across the street and was waiting outside on the porch for us to finish. Of course, she's like me and Zach and doesn't like to be alone, so, being the smart dog that she is, she opens the door and comes on in...
The chaos that you might expect with 3 cats and one overly playful dog didn't transpire. It was quiet enough, no barking, no cat shrieks...but at the same time the front door had been left open (if only for a few seconds).
After shooing Roxy out, we finished the feeding and set off toward home, when I suddenly realized that I had only seen 2 cats after Roxy had been inside...
Now for the panic! Alex and I take Rox home and head back over, hoping against hope that Wuzzie had simply hidden from the dog and not darted out the door. After what seemed like hours of searching the house, we determined that she must have gotten out, so we set off by foot in the middle of the night in search of the cat.
Eventually it was too late for Alex to be up, so I sent him home and continued my search alone - to no avail...of course!
When I got home I woke Paul (in tears) thinking that I had lost my neighbor's pet and probably ruined the friendship of Alex and the neighbor kids. Paul, being the compassionate one from time to time, set out on his own search.
Finally near midnight we decided that we had better just wait it out until morning and hope that the cat knows her way home...
Morning rolls around and I head over first thing - sure that the cat will be happily licking her paws inside the front door as if to say "got ya!"
But again, NO...so the search continued.
Paul finally decided to try to lure the cat back to the yard with a bowl of food, sitting in wait to pounce on her when she tried to take a nibble, so he brought the paper and some coffee and headed over to the neighbor's yard.
After nearly an hour of sitting in the yard, Paul found himself daydreaming a bit, glancing in the general direction of the upstairs window...AND THAT'S WHEN HE SAW HER!! There she was sitting on her little indoor perch enjoying the sunshine through the glass mocking Paul as he sat shiverring below in her wait...So, I guess all's well that end's well, but the stress of the evening and lack of sleep is surely going to cause another cold sore...and I JUST got over one!
That damn cat!

The Myth about Law School

2009-02-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

Look - no matter what anyone says, the only thing you can do with a law degree is be a lawyer! Law school is vo-tech school for smart kids - trade school with good PR. The vast majority of law students are just like I was - college grads with good grades, good test scores and essentially NO experience (professional, real-life, or otherwise).
I was history major, and let's face it, the historian's job prospects are limited at best (non-existent at worst). It's kind of the default major for people who realize they write a good essay but are too lazy to read all the books required of an English major. (Not that there's a whole host of career opportunities for the Englishian either-- English equivalent of "historian"...There's not even a word for it; it's like a tacit admission of the uselessness before you even begin!)
And so I did the logical thing (???) -- put off joining the "real world" for another 3 years by going to law school! This decision was met by much approval from my friends and family, because (even though I knew from the outset that I was unsure about being a lawyer) "You can do ANYTHING with a law degree." That's a big lie! The only thing you can do with a law degree is be a lawyer...and a bad one at first at that because while your law professors are busy not-preparing you for any career other than law, they're also busy not-preparing you to be a lawyer...because they don't teach you ANY of the things you need to know to actually practice law (like what an Entry of Appearance is, for example).
So my words of wisdom for all those college seniors contemplating the three year procrastination of a job search called Law School...Don't do it! Well, don't do it unless you're absolutely certain you want to be a lawyer, because there really isn't anything else you can do with a law degree.
Oh yeah - and if you have based your desire to be a lawyer upon television (even just a little bit), you better reconsider...get a job in a law firm and see what they REALLY do everyday. There's no hot woman with a button-down shirt open just enough to let you imagine it unbuttoned all the way and a skirt that hits so far above the knee that it's more accurate to describe its distance from her ass. No hot single men who are intellectual and sensitive enough to want save the world pro bono between motorcycle trips to Baja on weekends. These characters simply do not exist! Instead you'll find a bunch of pasty, doughy cynics who haven't been to the gym in 4 years (despite the continued donation in the form of monthly fees, because they like to know they could go if they so chose...but they're just way too busy!) and who haven't taken the full three weeks of vacation they get each year EVER (and never will...which is why law firms continue to offer this illusory benefit that will never be collected upon).
Overweight, overtired, and over-stressed...that pretty much sums it up!
And the money's not what people think it is either!

You know your kid's a nerd when...

2009-02-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

You spend Superbowl Sunday at a Pokemon card battle tournament and find yourself the next day a card carrying member of the Pokemon Tournament League...and a proud owner of your own "deck" of Pokemon cards...
It's all over for me!

Public school is not neglect or abuse!

2009-02-02T11:05:00.001-08:00

When our oldest son was starting kindergarten, Paul and I fell victim to the private school rhetoric which would have you believe that sending your kid to a public school is tantamount to stringing him up in the town square to have rocks thrown at him on a daily basis. The scare tactics were not in short supply, and ultimately we "decided" that the only option was to send him to a specialized school geared specifically for his type of "gifts."
But then we moved...and I stopped working, and I was driving half way across town to get to this "special" school where not a single kid from our neighborhood went, and for the privilege of which we were paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
So, when our neighbor called us to let us know about the application deadline for the public school in our new area, with trepidation (and a strong sense of guilt), we reluctantly applied.
But then a wonderful thing happened - despite the large class size and low teacher to child ratio and the fact that the school is LITERALLY across the street from a crack house, our son continued to thrive. Contrary to all the studies to which those private school folks pay homage, our kids have actually learned to read and write and even do that goddamn lattice method of long multiplication in public school...
And they only get beat up, offered drugs or propositioned every once in while!

The trouble with math today...

2009-02-01T20:44:00.001-08:00

Is it just me, or does every parent wonder what the hell they're teaching kids today in math class. What was wrong with borrowing and carrying? Now it's all about the place value and "regrouping." Do we really need 27 different "methods" to add, subtract, multiply and divide? Call me old fashioned, but I'm a firm believer in the old "if it ain't broke don't fix it" adage. My third grader recently learned the "lattice method" of multiplication. Let me just give you a sample: 56 x 39.
OLD WAY -
56
x 39
---------
504
1680
------------
2184
Yes, I had to carry the 5 from 9x6 and the 1 from 3x8 and then add, but it's really a pretty simple operation, right?
And now for the lattice method

5 6

WTF???? I need to regroup myself after all that.

No Small Children were Injured in the Creation of this Blog

2009-02-01T20:42:00.001-08:00

OK, well maybe they were brushed off, ignored or mildly neglected from time to time, but nothing that they'll recount to a therapist in 20 years or anything. They're not allowed to read this one - I've set up a couple of other moderately more "kid friendly" blogs in case they ask to read it someday...which they will because they're that kind of inquisitive (read - nosy) people.