Ever wondered who's the worst mom in the world? Now we know!

So, we've had our fair share of bad parenting episodes here in Colorado, don't get me wrong. Take Balloon-Boy's dad, for example. The Heeny's are way up there on the Don't Do This Shit To Your Kids flow chart. And back in 2000 we had to those crazies over in Golden the Newmakers who suffocated their daughter to death during a "rebirthing" therapy. That was bad and I'm not making excuses for them, but the truth is, regardless of the obvious fact that they are lunatics, they did think they were helping the kid; it wasn't just about them being too selfish to deal - they actually thought recreating the birthing experience would "cure" her of her psychological troubles. (Yes, I realize the irony there - the whole nature vs. nurture argument SCREAMS nurture in that case!) But this lady in Tennessee - this Hansen lady - she's really rivaling the best of the worst.
Here's the story - Hansen adopts a 7 year old boy from Russia and then decides that the Russian government had "misrepresented" his mental state...so she ships him back??!!!?? Literally - she buys him a one-way ticket to Moscow and sends him BY HIMSELF from Washington DC with a note to the Russian authorities saying she's "returning" him.
HE'S A CHILD - NOT A FAKE iPOD THAT DOESN'T HOLD AS MANY SONGS AS YOU WERE LED TO BELIEVE. YOU CAN'T JUST RETURN HIM LIKE A PIECE OF SPOILED MEAT.
Does she still have her receipt? Does she want her money back, or would she settle for a store-credit? What's the country's return policy on CHILDREN????
As if this kid didn't already have enough problems - whatever the reasons were for him ending up in an orphanage to begin with, now he has the added trauma of being taken from him home country to a place where nobody speaks his native language or has any idea what he's been through under the false hope of finding a home. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water.
There's a special place in hell for this one!
http://http//news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_russia_adopted_boy

The real story of Santa

**This conversation took place just before Christmas. It's a cute little vignette I thought I would use to remind us that (Tourette's issues aside) childhood is still filled with wide-eyed wonder.

Zach: Mom, are you Santa?

me: Oh yeah, I spend Christmas Eve every year riding around the world on my reindeer driven sleigh handing presents out to a bunch of kids I don't even know.

Zach: Ugh, mom - I'm serious!

me: No, I'm not Santa! Besides, Santa's a boy, so maybe Daddy's Santa but I don't think so because we can't afford all that stuff. Why do you ask?

Zach: Safia told me there's no Santa. She said it's just the mom and dad that give the kids presents.

me: (scrambling) Oooohhhh, sweetie, that's so sad. Safia must be really bad!

Zach: Why? What do you mean?

me: I guess she's so bad that Santa never even comes to her house at all and her mom had to make up an excuse about why not!

Zach: Yeah. She is pretty bad. And she lies! I'm glad Santa doesn't skip our house.

me: Me too, honey. Me too!

Random acts of kindness

So when I "got back to the keyboard" last month I said I was going to perform "random acts of kindness." Yeah...well...that didn't last. I think I'm just not inclined to be randomly kind. Kinda-ly random, sure, but not randomly kind.

The Swearing 7 Year Old

So I have a problem. Zach, my seven year old son, has taken to saying the "F" word in front of small children. Most recently it was at my cousin's house on Easter. Nothing like a good four letter word to end the brunch in a hurry. Lindsay's three year old daughter Lyla was playing "Memory" with my boys. Zach turned over a duck (not a match) and said "Duck - fuck."
Now don't get me wrong, under other circumstances I might have chuckled at this little faux pas, but only a few short weeks before we were playing bridge at our friends' house and he called Alex an "F-er." We'd had a long talk about how it's embarrassing and inappropriate and made him apologize to our hosts, went home and lectured some more (thanks dad - you really helped me master the art of beating a dead horse)...and we figured the F bomb had hit its last target for a while, right?
WRONG!
SO what do you do? I realize my inclination to ask what the fuck is wrong with him might have been on the wrong track, but really, how do I emphasize that it's really not okay? Taking away video games seemed to work its magic the first time, but apparently that punishment was only effective until it was forgotten (Oh, say, five minutes after it had ended)...so I am now just sitting here wondering when that ugly word is going to rear its head again.
Suggestions for effective punishments that don't spark the notice of Social Services are greatly appreciated.

Lawyer-Mom...sounds like a real Super Hero to me!

The year I started law school marked the first in which there was an even split of men and women in the classroom. Like so many other fields, most of the faces coming to interview us were older men (almost exclusively white), wearing suits and talking about the promise of a great career in law. They kept telling us that things had finally evened out - thank God for Title 9 we'd think - we're actually going to be "equals" in this field. We young wannabe lawyer women really felt like the world was at our feet - glass ceilings be damned, we're rocketing up there with our helmets on ready to smash through any barrier you put in our way...or so we thought.
Now, some 15 years later, I reflect back on all the women I graduated with and I wonder - how many of you are still out there practicing law and fighting the good fight? NOT MANY!
I don't have a scientific study to back this up, but my own non-scientific research tells me that being a lawyer is not a good career choice for women who "want it all." The balance of work and family life people talk about - that doesn't exist for lawyers. And so, at this point in my life, only a small select few of my female law school colleagues are partners in firms pulling in the big bucks. Let me explain why.

Law firms based their expectations and salaries and bonuses and entire worlds around the "billable hour." There's always a yearly minimum - call it 2000 hours - that attorneys are required to meet to keep their jobs. At first glance, this requirement seems rather reasonable - 40 hours a week for 50 weeks out of the year - no problem, right?

WRONG - the "billable hour" bears little resemblance to its distant cousin the "actual hour." Actual hours consist of bathroom breaks, lost pens, texts about where to have lunch, coffee, phone calls from your mom and even the occasional drop-in from your office neighbor complaining about the fat guy who always seems to pass gas right in front of her door. The actual hour contains the 15 minutes it takes to remember exactly how long it took to finalize the draft of the memo you were working on to complete your last "billable hour." The actual includes a few minutes between billable hours to remind yourself that there is a world outside your 10 x 10 office that does indeed contain sunlight, breezes, changing weather, non-lawyers, and even fun! The billable hour contains none of the above!

Hey Mom - Why do we celebrate Easter?

Diet Coke...The price would suggest they've gone back to the original recipe??

Am I the only one who's noticed, or does it surprise everyone to go into the grocery store and see a 12 pack ON SALE for $4? Apparently the "regular" price is now approaching $5, though I did see it at Walmart for something like $3.89. But still, this seems like a colossal bump (I swear it used to be like $2.50 and the regular sale price would be like $2) and it's got me wondering - did they start putting coke in Coke again?

So, out of protest to the price, I am now officially (recall the sarcasm font) "trying to drink less diet coke" (you can see I really stretch myself!) Instead I bought a 160 pack of green tea for $7.29. I can make a whole pitcher of iced green tea for about 30 cents. This is much more to my recessionista liking!