Thursday, June 10, 2010

On Being Alone

WARNING...this post might actually have insight into me...should I even be writing this?

So, I'm 40 years old and I'm just getting comfortable being alone.  I've never lived alone.  I've never traveled alone.  Since my kids have been born, I don't think I have spent more than a single night by myself at my house.  I can't even think of a time that I've even seen a movie by myself. 
I don't do "alone time." 
I guess I just don't really know how to be by myself.
For as long as I can remember, the first thing I ever do when I'm alone is pick up the phone.  At least that way if I'm technically alone, it kind of feels like I'm sharing it with someone else.
For whatever reason, the idea of being alone immediately brings to mind visions of isolation. It's scary and I don't like it. 
It's lonely.

From an intellectual perspective I understand the mental benefit associated with having time to oneself.  I imagine people enjoy the opportunity for peace and solitude.  For whatever reason, though, I don't find peace and solitude in the company of only me.
I'm trying to figure out what this says about me.  Unfortunately the conclusion I arrive at generally says that I just don't like myself enough to be happy with my own company.  But that doesn't seem right, because the truth is I'm pretty satisfied with the person I've become.  I am generally pretty self confident and self reliant.  I have come to accept my flaws as part of the overall package of me, and I'm mostly okay with that whole package.
So why do I still feel so anxious about being on my own?
Anyway, Paul and the boys are off for 2 days of Cub Scout Camp, so I'm here to fend for myself.  That's not an invitation, Brad Pitt, but if you happen to be in the neighborhood...
Seriously, I'm using this as an opportunity to explore the idea of "alone time" in terms other than "lonely time."  I've got nothing special planned, but I will try to stretch my comfort zone.  Maybe I'll head out to Starbucks for an "I have no one else to cater to but me" latte.  Maybe I'll even hit an afternoon movie all by myself.
Well, I'm not going to get crazy or anything...but I am going to try to enjoy the peace and solitude.
Wish me luck!


  1. Try to enjoy your time! I'm a little jealous, actually.

  2. I will come over tomorrow night w pizza dough if you supply the rolling pin. Also, never buy yeast again. I have a huge amount in the refrigerator and ain't no ice pack gonna make it 'cross Kansas.

  3. Also, you're never alone because you're so goddamn popular!!! You are TOTAL FUN to be with!!!!!!

  4. Maybe if you made plans that you were excited about you would feel differently about your time alone. I sometimes think time alone is just time to pursue our own interests. Until my Hubs starts wanting pedi's and boutique shopping, I think I am in the clear.


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