40...It's the New 40!

Every time I turn around someone is telling me that something is the new something else.  Teal's the new black, Zumba's the new aerobics, Rachel Ray's the new Martha, and some older age is always the new younger age (30 is the new 20, 50 is the new 40), whatever.
With my 40th birthday just come and gone, everyone was saying "40's the new 30" and I just have to ask -- is that supposed to make me feel better?  What the hell does that really mean, anyway?  From my perspective, this just proves that expectations for my generation are about 10 years slower than they were for my parents.  If 70 is the new 50, does this mean that we'll have to continue working until we're 90 before we're able to retire?  Maybe 30's the new 20 because it takes a lot of students 7+ years to graduate from college, so that's when  people are getting their first jobs.  How is this a good thing?  I'm sorry, I just don't find that very reassuring at all!
So, I'm launching a campaign to take 40 back and re-seat it in it's rightful chronological place at the beginning of middle-age.  40 is the time when our children start to become more independent, and our friendships get back to being our friendships (rather than those based exclusively on our kids' school placement), and our views become a bit more conservative or reserved.  Of course, it's also the time when our bodies start to resist change (i.e. don't show results as quickly as they used to), our eyes begin to fail us (reading glasses will be appearing around the necks of our friends more and more regularly), and we slow down just a little bit.  I'm here to embrace that -- all of it!  And so, regardless of the next great surgical invention that will keep us young forever, I'm here to tell you - 40 is still 40...and I'm okay with that.
Hope you all had a great Mother's Day...I'm going to grab a Snuggie and curl up on the couch for a nice late-morning nap.

The "Colorado Connection"

I have a theory -- well, actually I have a lot of theories, but this is just one of them -- anyway, my theory is that whenever there's some crazy person who makes the national news (whether it's for doing something really stupid or just downright criminal), approximately 80% of the time that person is from Colorado (or has spent a significant amount of time here)...and 100% of the time our local news lady Anne Trujillo will find that "Colorado Connection."

Today's news headline proves my point well -- would-be bomber Faisal Shahzad's wife, Huma Mian, graduated from CU Boulder in 2004 with a degree in accounting.  A couple of months ago we had Jihad Jane, and I'm sure a few months from now they'll discover one of Osama Bin Laden's kids plotting his next attack and hiding out in the woods somewhere north of Steamboat Springs.  Or maybe it will just be another Colorado Park Ranger starting a million-acre forest fire while trying to harmlessly burn a voodoo doll of her ex-boyfriend.  One way or another, though, we Coloradans are sure to be making our mark in history.

Let me give you a brief sampling of the types of things that I'm talking about:

1873 - Alfred Packer, America's only convicted cannibal.  Took a group of prospectors into the Colorado mountains in the middle of winter looking for gold.  Instead he only discovered that his fellow trekkers taste like chicken.

1924 - KKK takes over Colorado politics when  Klan members were elected to office in city, state, and federal level positions.
Ben Stapleton - Denver Mayor & proud member
Clarence Morley - Colorado Governor who ran for office not only for himself, but also "for the benefit of the Klan."
Rice Means - Colorado US Senator & another proud member

1993 - Grandpa Bredo aka "Frozen Dead Guy" is taken from his cryogenics lab to a Tuff Shed in Nederland to be preserved on dry ice until he and Walt Disney are able to resurface in the future and rule the world.  Now annually celebrated with Nederland's famous "Frozen Dead Guy Days" every summer.

1999 - Columbine.  Let's face it, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold really got the ball rolling on the whole school-shootings thing.

2004 - Disgruntled citizen Marvin Heemeyer jerryrigs a tank out of his tractor in Granby and mows down the local bank, city hall, and former mayor's house, and then goes on a shooting rampage.

2009 - Balloon Boy...really, no additional explanation necessary.










So, I think you can see where I'm going with this.  I'll update with more little Colorado Connections in the weeks and months to come - but  suffice it to say, we got a lock on the freaks here.  No wonder they chose Colorado to house the SuperMax penitentiary.

What's up with the writer's workshop?

So, inspired by Lori to try to make some cyber-friends, I was tooling around in blog-land and came across this great site --  Mama's Losing It   Mama Kat has this Writer's Workshop thing where she posts prompts and you write to the prompt and then on Thursday you post your prompt to her site.  So I'm trying it out.  I figure it has the added benefit of being a structured writing project every week...so that's what that is all about.

Writer's Workshop - A Open Letter to New Moms...

I just love this, but it's not part of my letter...

Dear New Moms,

If you are anything like me, you are probably holding your sleeping infant right now looking down at him wondering how long it will be before he stops breathing.  You've likely read every book on parenting on the shelves at Barnes and Noble (and even ordered a few extras off Amazon), gone to Walgreen's to stock your medicine cabinet with all things labeled "INFANT," and purchased at least 3 different brands of onesies to make sure you have the most comfortable kind.

But none of it helps - you're still pretty sure you're going to kill him!

I mean, it won't be on purpose or anything, but you just know they shouldn't have let you take him home from the hospital yet.  You're not ready!  He doesn't like you - he doesn't even know you yet!

He's probably going to starve to death because he only eats for like 2 seconds at a time, and there's no way he got all that necessary colostrum, so he's at least going to be retarded or maybe have a club-foot or something.

He can't possibly be getting any REM sleep because he wakes up every 6-8 minutes, and he cries every time you change his clothes or put him in his car seat so you're obviously causing him great pain, or severe annoyance at the very least.

And now, to top it all off, you've had a headache for 3 days and have started sneezing, so you're probably going to give him the swine flu...or maybe Ebola or flesh-eating strep or something.  Let's face it -- you are not responsible enough to care for that child...and that's a big problem!

I know, because I was right there with you 10 years ago!

But, fast forward two and a half years and you'll be telling that darling boy to bring you a diaper while you change his baby sister...and this time, if nothing else, you'll be pretty sure you aren't going to kill her.

And those irrational fears (like the one where you're on the second floor at the mall and you accidentally trip and jettison her over the railing and into the deep fryer at Steak Escape; or the one where you are changing her diaper in the trunk of the car and you accidentally close the trunk with her and your purse and your phone and your keys and it's like 110 degrees outside at the time; or the one where you're looking at highchairs in Target and you set her carseat/carrier down on the floor for a second to get a closer look and you knock the entire shelf over on top of her and she's trapped under all those highchairs and boosters and whatnot) -- those too will subside.  (I mean, you might still occasionally have the one where you forget to put sunscreen on his legs and he gets second degree burns and ends up with melanoma as a young adult, but for the most part, you're okay!)

So on this, your first Mother's Day, go ahead and put him in his crib and take your first shower since you've been home from the hospital...he'll be okay for the 10 minutes you're gone, and your husband may actually remember what you smelled like before the little guy came into your lives.

Happy Mother's Day!

Lo

Denver Dives - The Restaurant Critic Series

Ya Ting Chinese Cuisine, 15622 E. 6th Ave, Aurora
Better known as...Yuck Ting...

Perhaps I should have been clued in by the empty parking lot in this long, lost strip mall on in Northeast Aurora, or maybe the "UFO" shop next door, or the "summer specials" listed in the window (it's April and it snowed yesterday so I don't think even the most optimistic folks could yet call it summer), or that smell of unidentifiable-fried-stuff in oil that has been used a few too many items between changings, or maybe the "ketchup sauce" special listed for $5.99, or perhaps the Minnie Mouse doll the adorned the walls, or even the totally unappetizing photos of various unrecognizable entrees speckling the walls.  I could go on and on and on and on (it's more fun if you sing that ala Don't Stop Believe from Journey)...The clues were all over the place -- we chose to ignore them, but I'll spare you the gory details and instead refer you to Melissa's review. 

But, you should really see the before and after of my Sesame Chicken.

Maybe you're thinking -- that doesn't look totally unappetizing.  But wait...here's the after...

So I'll go with the good news first.  The broccoli was actually pretty good.  (That's the extent of the good news.)  Now for the not-so-good.  The rice was a congealed ball of gummy rice-like-substance, but edible. The eggroll rivaled those that have been sitting under the heatlamps at the Panda in the mall for 2-3 hours. Not good, but if you are forced to choose between that and waterboarding I'd go with the eggroll.  I can't say the same for the Sesame Chicken.  First, I am not at all convinced that the meat-like-food-stuff which was allegedly below the over-fried-breading was actually chicken at all.  That whole "looks like chicken - tastes like chicken - must be chicken" logic can't be applied because it neither looked nor tasted like any meat I'd before had the misfortune of eating.  It was downright terrible!

So, for the first time ever, I am forced to keep all my pulgares to myself and give this place my BIG FAT THUMBS DOWN!!!!

Well this is unfortunate because Paul's birthday is in March!

 Everyone knows that the forwarded horoscopes are totally prophetic, so I'm gearing myself up for some troubles in my marriage in the next year.  Although I (being born in May) have a "strong relationship that will last forever."  Paul, on the other hand (March b-day) "will discover that he will fall in love with someone totally unexpected."  Any chance that's me???


Chinese Feng Shui  Horoscope


This   is a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.
Take a moment  to take this  test!
If you are honest this tells  the truth, it ' s pretty accurate.
Write your answers on  paper.
Find out your horoscope  at the  bottom.

1. Which is your favorite   color:
              Red,  Black, Blue, Green or  Yellow?
2.. Your first   initial?
3. Your month of  birth?
4.  Which color do you like   more,
              Black  or  White?
5. The name of a person that is the  same sex as  you?
6. Your favorite   number?
7. Do you like California   or Florida   more?
8. Do you like a lake or  the ocean  more?
9. Write down a wish (a  realistic   one)

When you are done, scroll   down.
Don ' t   cheat!


 

Answers:



             
         1.   If you  chose:
               Red  - You are alert and your life is full of   love.
               Black  - You are conservative and  aggressive.
               Green   - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid  back.
               Blue  - You  are spontaneous and love  affection.
               Yellow  - You are a very  happy person and give good
                                advice  to those who are   down.

        2.  If your initials  are:
                A-K  You have a lot of  love and friendships in your  life.
                L-R  You try to live your  life to the max and your love  life is
                          soon  to  bloom.
                S-Z   You like to help others and your future looks very  
                           bright.

        3.  If you were born  in:
               Jan-Mar:  The year  will go very well for you and you will
                             discover  that you fall  in love with someone totally
                             unexpected.
               Apr-Jun:  You will  have a strong love relationship that will
                                last   forever.
              Jul-Sep:  You will have a great year and will  experience a
                             major  life-changing experience for the   good.
             Oct-Dec:  Your life will be great, you will find your soul  mate.

        4.  If you  chose:
                  Black:  Your life is  about to get better. You are more than
                                ready  for the   change.
                  White:  You have a friend who completely confides in  you
                              and  would do anything for you, but you  may
                               not  realize   it.

         5.  This person should be your best  friend.

         6.  This is how many close friends you will have  in your  life  time.

         7..  If you chose:
                        California  : You  like  adventure.
                         Florida  : You are a laid back  person.

          8.  If you  chose:
                         Lake  : You are loyal to  your friends and your lover..
                                   You  are very  reserved.
                       Ocean:   You are spontaneous and like to please
                                      people.

          9.  This  wish will come true if you send this to 1  person in one
               hour.   Send it to ten people and it will come true before   your
               next  birthday.

Real Conversations With My Imaginary Friend Shakira

Regarding Arizona's new Immigration Law:

Shakira: I heard about it on the news and I thought, 'Wow,' It is unjust and it's inhuman, and it violates the civil and human rights of the Latino community ... It goes against all human dignity, against the principles of most Americans I know.

Me: Totally!  It's like Nazi Germany.

Shakira: You're the smartest, most beautiful, most insightful, nicest person I've ever met.  I'd like to give you all the rights to my next 10 songs.

Me: Oh, you're so sweet!  I couldn't possibly accept more than 5.

Ok, so the last part didn't happen, but Shakira really did go to AZ to oppose the new law and she really did say that first stuff...but she only gave me 2 songs.