Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Writer's Workshop - A Open Letter to New Moms...

I just love this, but it's not part of my letter...

Dear New Moms,

If you are anything like me, you are probably holding your sleeping infant right now looking down at him wondering how long it will be before he stops breathing.  You've likely read every book on parenting on the shelves at Barnes and Noble (and even ordered a few extras off Amazon), gone to Walgreen's to stock your medicine cabinet with all things labeled "INFANT," and purchased at least 3 different brands of onesies to make sure you have the most comfortable kind.

But none of it helps - you're still pretty sure you're going to kill him!

I mean, it won't be on purpose or anything, but you just know they shouldn't have let you take him home from the hospital yet.  You're not ready!  He doesn't like you - he doesn't even know you yet!

He's probably going to starve to death because he only eats for like 2 seconds at a time, and there's no way he got all that necessary colostrum, so he's at least going to be retarded or maybe have a club-foot or something.

He can't possibly be getting any REM sleep because he wakes up every 6-8 minutes, and he cries every time you change his clothes or put him in his car seat so you're obviously causing him great pain, or severe annoyance at the very least.

And now, to top it all off, you've had a headache for 3 days and have started sneezing, so you're probably going to give him the swine flu...or maybe Ebola or flesh-eating strep or something.  Let's face it -- you are not responsible enough to care for that child...and that's a big problem!

I know, because I was right there with you 10 years ago!

But, fast forward two and a half years and you'll be telling that darling boy to bring you a diaper while you change his baby sister...and this time, if nothing else, you'll be pretty sure you aren't going to kill her.

And those irrational fears (like the one where you're on the second floor at the mall and you accidentally trip and jettison her over the railing and into the deep fryer at Steak Escape; or the one where you are changing her diaper in the trunk of the car and you accidentally close the trunk with her and your purse and your phone and your keys and it's like 110 degrees outside at the time; or the one where you're looking at highchairs in Target and you set her carseat/carrier down on the floor for a second to get a closer look and you knock the entire shelf over on top of her and she's trapped under all those highchairs and boosters and whatnot) -- those too will subside.  (I mean, you might still occasionally have the one where you forget to put sunscreen on his legs and he gets second degree burns and ends up with melanoma as a young adult, but for the most part, you're okay!)

So on this, your first Mother's Day, go ahead and put him in his crib and take your first shower since you've been home from the hospital...he'll be okay for the 10 minutes you're gone, and your husband may actually remember what you smelled like before the little guy came into your lives.

Happy Mother's Day!



  1. lorraine, did you burn one of your kids?

  2. Stopping by from Mama Kat's...

    Oh, wow, this is great. How did you get inside of my head? :)

    I, too, am a lawyer turned stay at home mom. (Gotta say, I like the mom part much more than I liked the law stuff.) Can't wait to look around the rest of your site!

  3. OMG, this is great! I was never afraid of the deep fryer accident but I was certain that the stone floor in my living room was somehow doing to radiate cold up through my feet to my arms and transmit pneumonia to him. I'm proud to say, it never happened! That makes me a great mom, right?

  4. Great post! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  5. Too funny! I definitely can relate to having irrational fears and it's so funny how they go away! I think some people are amazed at how relaxed I've gotten about some things.

  6. Cute...the joys of new mommyhood...I am enjoying #2 so much more because I realized they do not break as easily as I thought...but they are trying to break me.

  7. I hope to be a mommy one day but all of these open letters are terrifying. Especially the stinky part. I have been hearing that a lot lately.


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